Why am i like this

Im so weird. I cant talk normally like other people. Everyone seems to have an original identity to themselves and while im here copying everyone. I feel so empty. I dont even remember when I laughed genuinely. Everytime i hang out with my friends and they laugh at a joke i just sit there and sometimes fakely laugh so they dont think im weird. I have heard this Selective mutism disorder and i think i might have one. I havent really gone to a proffesional therapist so i dont know. My mom doesnt want me to go.. i think. She knows im weird and even yelled at me for it. Id probably be rich if i count how many times my mom have said it to me that she wished i wasnt born. I hope she knows that i also hate myself sb bc of it too. With my friends, i cant help comapre myself to their other friends who is more fun to be with. I have even attempted to cut off my ties with them bc i want them to be happy. My biggest fear is making someone uncomfortable bc of me. Im pretty sure everyone i have talked to already experienced that to me. Im not only weird im also a mess. Evrything about me is so contradicting. Sometimes i have so much empathy to people and then there are other times where im just completely numb that i dont feel any emotions. When i want to be a good person sb im always stuck to being a rude judgemental bitch. Im so lazy and i cant even do anything. I dont have any talents. Im boring. I cant go outside bc of this social anxiety. Im so concious about myself that its making everything so hard. Its not like i can just shut out all of these thoughts bc all of them are real. I just wanna dissapear tbh. Like i didnt even exist in the first place. I have so many things to say but i cant just let it out. Why do i have to do so many things so i can be happy?? Is happiness really that hard to get??