sometimes moms suck

i’ve been dealing w depression for a while now and it’s been super difficult because i feel as tho my mom isn’t receptive of my emotions. it always feels like i’m the one communicating at her rather that with her. she acts as if she puts in effort to deal with my depression but it always seems as if she only is receptive when it benefits her and she can give herself a pat on the back for being a “good mom”. whenever i try to communicate or educate her, it’s like it goes in one ear out the other because the second i have an episode she’s back to trying to fix me or trying to use some twisted “tough love” method. and i know she’s trying to help. i do. but if she’d listen to me at all, she’d know that i’ve told her multiple times that her definition of “helping” makes me feel like sh!t.

ive told her so many times that i just need someone to listen and just sit there with me when i’m having an episode but it’s like once i do, she goes back to her default “fixing” mode. like “oh have you tried excersizing? you just need to get out more! once school starts you’ll start feeling better! have you been taking those supplements i told you to take?” and always the dreaded “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you!” yeah, thanks mom. that reallu does make me feel peachy.

it’s like parents act as if you haven’t tried your own methods and low and behold, they didn’t work! shocker. like you think i want to be sad? you think if i didn’t know your methods don’t work that i wouldnt be doing them?

going off on a tangent, parents have such an ego and superiority complex. like if you don’t take their unwarranted advice, then that just automatically means that you never listen to them. it’s like they can never give you the benefit of the doubt because they feel better about being right rather than realize that sometimes, people don’t always follow advice even when they ask for it. cause anytime you do follow their advice they give you the “yeah right” look. like you want me to follow your advice but when i don’t you get annoyed and when i do you chastise me.

to preface, as annoying as she might sound, she’s not a horrible, crazy, toxic mother. she does love me but, like every relationship, it has its ups and downs. it’s like one of those things where she’s the one who needs therapy more than me yknow. like my problems won’t get better unless she changes her state of mind but we all know that will never happen because parents are always offended by change or criticicism of their parenting. she and i both have things we need to work on so please don’t think too harshly of her. she really is doing her best with what she’s got.

anyways, i don’t really have anyone else to talk to so i’m sure you story telling skills are making it all sounds a lot crazier than it actually is irl. but either way, thanks for listening if you got this far. it really does mean a lot to be “seen” and maybe understood by some of y’all. :)