Down but not Out

Hello All!

My name is David. I found this app while searching for online therapy and counseling. I'm 26, from Upstate New York but now live in South Carolina.

I am here because I am broken. I've been broken for a long time. I've seen counselors and therapists many a time in my past. It has been about seven years since I've sought help. Because, I don't like asking for help. I have these horrible habits that I built up such as: asking for help is weak, crying is weak, don't get too close/don't share too much. Build walls to make sure you are safe.

I had goals. I still have goals and motivations. Such as this, I feel motivated enough to do this now. To seek help, I am getting confident to say "I need help and I cannot do this alone." I have this wonderful boyfriend, near perfect for me. Treats me like a King, loves me completely; something I am just not used to. But I am having trouble opening up. I've built all these walls that I am not sure how to tear them down or I'm scared to.

I've also taken to drinking which I should know better with family history of alcoholics and being of Native American decent. But it kinda just snuck up on me as a coping mechanism. I want to do better and I have great days where I feel like I can but they fall and fade fast. I am losing his trust, because I tell him I am trying to but, I fall back. I can't get out.

I'm on this bridge made of glass and it's starting to crack. He is so willing to be there and willing to help.