Here I am
Well hello I guess. I don't know how I ended up here. On this website or just in life.. 23 years of age and I would consider myself heavilly depressed.. I'm scared to go to the doctors because of what they and my family will think. I really need help. Almost everyone my age has a good job and is in good health living the life they always wanted. whilst im sat here in tears writing about my pathetic life. I started smoking drugs at 15, every since 17 I have been a daily user of cannabis. When I say every day, I mean every day, 365 days a year, I'm surrounded by it, it's everywhere. at 19 I got my first long term job to fund my drug habit, Every single day since then, 250 a week, yes a week, has been spent on cannabis. This job I thought was great at first, I then realised my boss is just using me because I'm niave and will do the work because I need money. He has promised me qualifications and courses for years and I havent recieved anything. I'm 23 with no qualifications, no degrees. I work a dead end job as a foundry worker, terrible for my health and is a very stressful job. I get up at 5 in the morning and have done every day for 3 years to go and work like a monkey for nearly 12 hours every day. Am I weak? People across the planet do this every day and I just cant handle it therefore I must be. I'm very weak minded. I tried to take my own life once and I think about it every day. Different methods, google searches, what my family would do/think, what awaits us after death? I just dont know but every day I'm leaning towards wanting to find out. I owe out money to companys, I'm in debt. Every one my age is living their dream.. Going to university, travelling the world. I'm such a failure, my head hurts. I really do struggle. I argue with voices in my head, they tell me to do pretty nasty things to myself, I think about murder alot. There is someone at my work who teases me to the point I want to cry, I have taken blades and crafted my own weapons where I work to deal with him. I always back out though. I think about doing things to his family and dealing with him and them the right way. I'm really worried about myself. Nobody knows thi about me. I keep it all to myself. I sit here and smoke more and more weed till I forget and cant remember the problem. I'm losing touch. I think about this all the time, my head hurts often. I'm from the UK, I'm 23, and I never thought i'd be where I am today. a Complete fuck up. I was in a relationship for 3 years, My first love you could call it, I loved that girl.. she ended up going with another man, i felt crushed.. I don't stand up for myself in anything. There was a girl I was talking to.. She really likes me.. Bless her..We talk sometimes, she knows nothing of this side of me.. I just cant go meet her because of what I am right now.. I'm a shadow of a person, I'm never fully there, I visualize myself dying often with different methods, I also visualize myself in bad life situations,, My mother being murdered, me being homeless.. I have a serious problem and I feel it woudl be alot easier to just end it all. in January I read online the best and least painful way to commit suicide is by using copious amounts of heroin.. I sourced some that month and I just cant bring myself to do it..I'm so weak.. im in limbo of being to coward to do the deed and wanting to live a happy life. This is a terrible existence.
I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. *hugs*
A lot of us have been where you are. Everyone's situation is unique, but many of us have thought we were broken beyond repair, thought everyone had it easier than us, worried what people would think about us, had thoughts we were deeply ashamed of, and wondered if there was any point in trying to go on.
But a lot of us have also found a way out, and found that life can be so much better.
I'm glad you are here. There are a lot of resources here that can help you figure out your own path. You can share here, chat with a listener, or even start working with a therapist. The most important thing to know is, you're not alone.
Something that helped me a lot before I was able to get professional help was to teach myself the basics of cognitive behavioral therapy. It's a fairly simple technique and shown to be effective. There are plenty of resources online. I often recommend the Mood Tools app, because it walks you through the process step by step.
(I know you won't believe me, so feel free to skip this part.... but you are so young. I've been your age and thought my life was over ... and I was stuck in a dead-end job, but that was only the beginning of my story, not the end. You can do so much with this life. You have so much potential you have no idea about.... so take care of yourself through this depression, take as much time as you need to heal, but know that you have so much time; you aren't stuck.)