Hi, everyone. I’m a little scared but I’m here.

My name is Kenna. I joined 7 Cups a few days ago, hoping it would be a good outlet for me to talk to people and start my real journey of getting better.

I’ve had major depressive disorder since I was about thirteen, maybe younger. My brain doesn’t process dopamine and serotonin the way it should, and lately I’ve been struggling with medications losing their effectiveness and a very concerning depressive episode. I’m twenty-seven now, so unfortunately this isn’t my first rodeo, but I think I’m finally ready to invest the time in myself to try and find real help besides a pill every morning.

It’s incredibly difficult for me to open up to people. I’m my family, I’ve always been the one anyone runs to when they’re having problems. I’m the big sister, the “good” daughter, the one that’s easy to please and takes all the blows with a smile. My dad has always called me the “golden retriever therapy dog” for everyone and I was so proud of that. I’m so used to pushing aside what I’m feeling to make someone else feel better, and I like that I can be that person for my family and my friends, but inside I’m crumbling down to dust, stable on the outside but a safety hazard on the inside. I always say I’m fine when I’m definitely not, because I don’t want anyone to worry. I don’t want that burden set on anyone else’s shoulders, because it’s heavy.

I know this is a lot to read, but my goal here is to be more transparent about my trauma, my perceptions, and to learn to put my weight out on the nets without assuming they’ll break under me. I would like to finally feel like I can rest with support and reassurance from the people around me, instead of listening to the voice in my head that’s says I’m too much, that no one cares, or that I’m dragging down everyone with me.

Hopefully, 7 Cups (and some therapy/psych evals) will help with that.