How my depression makes me feel.
Hi, I'm Sky. I'm a 21 year old female.
With how much I've been hurt through my life, depression has become a best friend who never leaves my side. It comes on stronger at times. I'm also disabled with blood clots and on May 18, 2020 I will be 5 years cancer free.
That should make me happy right? Nope. Depression keeps getting to me and is like "you should still have this nasty disease so you can stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing".
I just lost my job and can't afford a therapist. So I guess that's why I'm here. To talk. About my depression and PTSD. To try and overcome things that seem like it's a skyscraper.
@Skylennmai
Heya Sky!
So close to 5 years being free of cancer, that's amazing!!
I can see how depression can really put a negative spin on every aspect of our lives but this is a huge achievement for you and depression can't diminish the strength you've had all this while. 
While i say that, i can only try to imagine how difficult depression must make daily life for you. We're here for you. This is a safe space and a no judgement zone so you can always talk about the things that go through your mind, the thoughts and emotions you experience with us!
Would you like to tell me a bit more about things that have piled on to form this skyscrapper?
@CommunityModTaylor
It won't let me send it bc it thinks I'm in danger oh self harm.
@Skylennmai oh no, sounds like you got caught in the censor D: Maybe try to word it differently that doesn't insinuate the fact that you're in danger right now? Hope you are safe right now though
@CommunityModTaylor
That's the thing. The stuff that's happened to me leaving to the skyscraper, I can't reword it. No matter how much I do, it still catches me.
Also, I don't even think about suicide anymore. I guess I just got out of that stage. So I'm in no danger.
@Skylennmai
You can write it just the way you need to, just add one extra letter on the end of every word that might get flagged. Let it all out, shout if you want. Break the internet if you want. Release that shitt
@humorousDay8793
I didn't think about doing that! That's a really really good idea!
@CommunityModTaylor
I can try to message it to you.
@CommunityModTaylor
It all started when I was 12. That's when I got "hurt". I didn't know it was depression at the time. What happened back then was (this is still very hard for me to talk about) I was dating this guy and he seemed very sweet at first. Then something changed. He began rapingpr and beatingpr me. Then let his friends join in on the fun. When my ex beatpr me, he would make sure it was somewhere I could hide it from everyone. Then he would take a knifepr and hold it to my throat and rapepr me. The night we broke up was the last time he rapedpr me. But it was the most painful part of the entire relationship, because that night he held a gunpr to my head and told me "if you ever tell anyone my name, I'll come back and killpr you". I've told the police but they thought I was lying. And did absolutely nothing.
Years went by and my dad was always getting drunk. One night we were fighting over a bag of chips and he grabbed me by my throat and just squeezed. That's the first time I went into a mental facility. Things have since changed (after family therapy he went home and dumped every drop of alcohol in the house down the sink and swore to never drink again, it's been almost 8 years since that's happened and he has yet to touch alcohol).
That's just how it started. I have a lot more leading up the skyscraper. That's just the first 5 floors that I've told you
@Skylennmai
Wow, your very strong and its very wise that your reaching out here. 1st floor and going up. Yes, let it out. Be patient and very soon the right people will find you to help you. Im a guy who is embarrassed that our gender has such animals amongst us that belong in a cage! Bless you, i pray you can let it out and free yourself. You have a very good view from the top of that skyscraper, so you can see the beauty in the world and build yur life.
Blessings. I want to share something i found written in my diary by a talented writter with you.
Dear self,
I know you're struggling. I know you're hurt. I know you feel lost. I know you feel hopeless. I know you feel isolated and alone. I know you are afraid to talk to others about what you're going through. I know you're afraid of being judged. I know you cringe under the scrutiny of others. I know you drop your eyes in an attempt to avoid eye contact with anyone for too long. I know you're scared people will see what's going on in your mind. I know your soul feels naked and exposed under the gaze of others. I know you feel like you're not good enough. I know you feel like you're not worth loving. I know you feel like you're never going to escape this darkness. But I know you better than anyone else. I know you love bright colors. I know that when the clouds are extra poofy in the sky you get excited. I know you enjoy simple pleasures. I know you still find beauty in this world even when you don't find it within your mind. I know you will get through this. Like you always have. Like you always will. Because I KNOW you.
Love,
Self
@humorousDay8793
Thank you for sharing that with me. That made me think of all the stuff I cherish in life. The stuff I love about this world. And maybe shed a tear or 2. Thank you.