I'm Kind of a Mess TBH

Hi I'm David/27.

Was abused and also friends betraying me and bullying me as a kid. Grew up around people who were cutting and killing themselves, and I always was helping them get off the ledge while I never got that. People always come and go. I feel like a failure (my dad even makes fun of me with his side of the family), and I procrastinate and fall into addictions like sexual activities (cam, mastrurbation, sex, seduction, etc), internet addiction, etc to fill voids in me. I have trust issues, anxiety, I'm disgusted with a world and government that would let 10's of thousands of americans die without universal healthcare, when it's cheaper to do than our current model, only to have busineses get richer. All while giving trillions of dollars to bail outs and tax cuts to the rich. The environment is falling apart and the government don't care, they want to keep donors happy. I ruin most of the dating relationships I have with either being too cold, too needy, or something like that. My cosplay escapism is being hurt with the corona virus cancelling cons. The corona virus killing people scares me, but also the hit it's doing and going to do to the economy. The future seems bleak. I'm ruining my current relationship, which might be my favorite one yet, she's just about perfect in my eyes.

I've lost friends because of my bisexuality, including one I had for like 8 years as a nigh best friend.

I feel like I have a lot of friendships and bonds, but none that are close enough where I can talk to people, except my mom, and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about stuff.

I am uncomfortable with my body, I feel overweight and disgusting, even though I know for a fact that I'm average weight (5'11" in the 170-180 range I'd say), and I'm praised enough for being attractive and cute and stuff, but I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted by any fat on me, imperfections like judging my nose and eyes, etc etc. It's a personal thing, and also I want to look perfect for cosplay, along with acting on camera.

I procrastinate too many things I have passion for: guitar, drums, martial arts, acting, improv, foreign languages, etc etc.

Overall rip, I'm a mess, and i try to deal with it alone, and I only dragged myself here because of the girl telling me to get therapy. (which feels too expensive when I am unsure of the future with corona virus)