I need to make a change
Hello, I go by Den. I'm 28 years old.
I have ADHD and anxiety, but the big thing here is that I have severe depression. I was diagnosed I'm college, but due to financial issues, I cannot afford doctors or medications. If you'd believe it, the ADHD and depression have also impacted my memory, which unfortunately makes it difficult to remember very important things.
I have ups and downs, but I basically spend every single day fighting suicidal thoughts. I have not and cannot go through with it due to obligations involving family and pets that would suffer without me. I have this to keep me going, but I'm still sad most days. I've pretty much lost interest in writing and drawing, too, which used to bring me great joy.
I thought I would be okay as long as I had my best friend of over 10 years. We talked to each other about anything and everything almost every day. Unfortunately I pressed my luck too far by venting too much, let alone apparently just not having the same interests as him, and now my best friend does not believe we are compatible as friends anymore and wants a break until I have made meaningful change in myself in therapy. That could take a long time, coupling with the fact I cannot afford it.
I feel so sad every day. I was finally moving on from my mother disowning me years ago. Then one of my dogs died earlier this week, my sister was in the hospital for a miscarriage, we've had financial troubles, I've had dental issues, and my dad has a strange bump on his back he doesn't want to get checked out. And now I've lost my best friend.
I've cried so much this past week alone and I'm tired of it. I recently had to reach out to a crisis text line. I want to try and wrangle this monster in so I can have my life back, and most of all my best friend.
I'm sorry if this is a lot. I have a bad habit of talking too much and oversharing. I hope to learn something from this place and try to learn better coping mechanisms. I have to get better before it gets worse.
@Doubleddenden Hello Den. I am 28 years old too, and relate a lot to your post. Thanks for sharing.
I have been surprised by how much depression has impacted my memory too - its definitely a thing, people say I repeat myself a lot, and I often misplace things or forget important things in my schedule.
I too had a period where I couldn't write, even though its my main hobby. Brain fog meant the words didn't flow, and disconnect from society meant I couldn't create believable characters anymore. But if its a talent you've always had, I'm sure the writing impulse will come back and you can rebuild that skill. It did for me after many years of serious MH health stuff and a very long break from creative pursuits.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I have lost many, but I try to see things from their side and appreciate how challenging it can be to be close with someone who is suffering from depression. Just focus on yourself and trying to get better, rather than what others think of you/are doing, and I';m sure as you feel happier, you will attract more people to you again. Sucks you can't get therapy, but hang in there; there are some great self help books , apps and cbt worksheets you can search for in the meantime.
Its ok to acknowledge and feel the sad feelings and say that life isn't the best at the moment. Don't fight it or rush your recovery. Life has many ups and downs, and as we weather the downs, we gain insight and wisdom which we can only recognise once we're out of that bad situation. I wish you all the best :)
Den, it sounds like you had a rough week after a really tough time. Just all rolling together. I truly hope things are going a little better for you now. While you cannot afford the help right now, this app is free, and it seems to help me with what I am going through.
Wishing you the best...sending hugs and smiles your way.