It's terrible

My depression has been messing up my life a lot over the past decade, but the last few months have been...rough. I refuse to go back into therapy or get on medication again due to several factors (money and trauma being the top two), but I downloaded an app. So it's a start.

I'm trying go to work every scheduled shift, take care of my animals, and take care of myself. I can't do all three all the time, so I usually end up waiting until my stomach is digesting itself before I think to make something to eat.

"I can't help you if you don't want to be helped" is the worst thing my partner has ever said to me regarding this mental health bs, but he's right. I don't see myself as a person, let alone someone who deserves to get better. And when I do think hey, maybe I want to try to get better, I can't make that first step to actually reach out and ask for help.

I shouldn't feel this way. I should be able to ask for help, and tell people when I'm struggling. I shouldn't be so embarrassed of my situation, or assume I'm broken in some way because doing one thing some days takes every ounce of energy I have.

I'm broke. I'm depressed. I'm emotionally closed-off from most of my friends and family. But I'm still alive, so I figure I've gotta be doing something right.