Just joined today. A little about my situation.

I will honestly try my best not to pepper this with profanity.

Disclaimer, I will probably pepper this with profanity. Forewarning.

I've debated whether or not to do this. After looking at several sites and writing at least four introduction messages, only to be prompted to pay money if I want someone to listen to me, I've all but given up on the idea of "free consiling." So perhaps a rant instead? Eh, I don't see how that would be productive. So, I'll just word vomit and see what sticks.

I've opened up to people about my depression with varying reactions and outcomes. The general consensus however is that I'm a fuckin' bummer. Most recently, my now ex girlfriend. Now, I've been through worse breakups. This one just really sucks, because I care about her deeply. I still talk to her. Maybe that's the first mistake, but she's my friend. Ish. In that, I believe in her pursuit of this amazing career path that she is on and believe is she the most exceptional woman I've ever met, and play cheerleader to her, because I know she has shitty days, and I want to be the one person that doesn't bail on her, despite us having broken up. When I typed that out I cringed a little. She went though a bad divorce several years ago and I didn't want to just walk away from her. Maybe that's an excuse for me just not wanting to let her go. I know it is. I tell her how amazing she is, things like "you've got this. You're an amazing woman, to hell with anyone who makes you feel different." I don't want to get too much into "her," not exactly. We share memes back and forth of our favorite show. I'll send her an inspirational text, peppered with my trademark humor. She'll say things like "thank you, I needed that." or a funny meme saying as much, but that's as far as it goes.

The thing is, since we broke up, she has no idea that it hurts me to talk to her, but when I don't talk to her it hurts more and I feel restless and get depressed. I know that isn't healthy. I'm not trying to make her a crutch, but when I do talk to her, what little there may be, I feel happy and smile. I miss her. I miss the way we use to interact.

You ready for this to get even more cringey? I met her online. She drove her and we spent three days together. We talked for a little more than seven months, only started dating when we were face to face. We broke up almost two months ago. I'm honestly losing steam writing this, regretting having started to write it in the first place. There's more to my story and personal responsibilities that I don't feel like getting into. I don't even know what the point of this is. To somehow feel better? To find the strength to not message her, knowing how little I'm going to get back? I can't tell her any of this. I risk her not wanting to talk to me anymore. Maybe that would be for the best, but I have never felt like this about someone. So, I have no idea what to do. I got to work, come home, watch tv, distractedly. I'm depressed, barely eating, even though I work a very strenuous job, so I'm losing weight.

The break up is not the overall cause for my depression, I just want to make that clear. I've been depressed since I was a teenager. My dad left when I was a baby. Mom remarried. My step dad died when I was 13 from cancer, mom started drinking, for a couple years. I had to deal with those feelings myself. I've had anxiety since. It didn't get really bad until a few years ago when I started dating a coworker. Her and her daughter moved in with me. Six months later they left and it kinda messed me up. I've dated off and on since, mostly online dating. I feel like if I get into all of my short comings, which I feel are a lot, I don't have the best opinion of myself, then we will be here for a while.

Sorry, I'm going to stop now. Should make for an interesting read at least.