Just wanting to be heard
Hey all I've struggled with depression most of my life. It has waxed and waned, and I've had genuinely good times. A year ago my chronic health issues hit a new low, and so did my self worth. My health has improved but my perception of self hasn't. I just feel like I'm always letting my partner down. I've been married for almost 8 years. She misses the happier, more confident version of me (and so do I). I feel like that less and less. She wants to feel safe with me, that she can trust me. But I don't trust myself. Even when I'm feeling good I know it can disappear in an instant. I don't feel deserving of her love, or that I'll ever be good enough. I feel hopeless, and powerless. I've known about my issues, my depression, my bad self talk, my lack of self love. Despite knowing these issues I've struggled to make much progress. I just feel doomed to let her down. To let myself down. I could have such a happy life with her if I was a better person. But instead I make us both miserable. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. That’s not easy to do. You are enough exactly as you are, but it’s ok to want to feel differently than you feel right now. I hope you are able to find ways to bring about the type of relationship you want to have with yourself and your loved ones. Thanks for being so open about how you’re feeling right now.
Thank you for reading and your kind words
Hello, thank you for sharing your story, what are your own thoughts on the core of your depression? The more you know yourself and your body, the easier it gets to work towards healing and wholeness.
Definitely centers around the feeling of not being good enough. That who I am is not enough for the world, that I need to be better, be different, fix myself. I feel rejected by the world, and by myself. That I am fundamentally flawed and will always be haunted by this
My question is, without the opinions of others, do YOU believe you are good enough as you are?... Think about this for a second and look at this with an open heart and mind. For example.... What if you have build a boat. You finally finished it and you are absolutely in love with it. It is your best piece of art you ever made. No one has seen it yet but you are over the moon. That's how proud you are... So a couple moments later there is your neighbor, you show it and he criticizes a certain building method. He talks about it for a while and you feel like this boost of feeling proud and energy fades a bit. But you still adore your finished piece. Then a friend comes a long, who you value a lot. You show it but your friend isn't saying much and is not as enthusiastic as you hoped.. You feel slightly disappointed. This boat is now so valuable to you. Then your partner comes along. You are still excited but not as much as you were before, when no one saw the boat, only you. You wonder why people haven't shared your joy over it. You partner is saying, 'very nice' and smiles, but not much more, because your partner is already busy with something else! A phone call. Wait what?! My point is. At the core, you are good enough. That innocence when you where a child. Search for that. The excitement of being you. Not even thinking about not being enough. There's a happy version of you hidden somewhere behind the clouds. I'm sure of it. 😊
Aw thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot you would take the time to write this for me. I will try to search for my childhood innocence. The lack of my self worth is very internalized. Often my partner is much more forgiving of me and has more hope in myself than I do. I experienced a profound sense of rejection of my true self by my parents, and spent my childhood trying to change myself to please them. So I need to reach deeper to that innate sense of worthiness that we are all born with, that innocence like you said. Thank you for the conversation and helping me sort my thoughts out.
No problem! I've read your comment and you sound very wise and well aware of who you are and where your struggles come from. That's really helpful. It means you already did lots of soul-searching. It's very beautiful your partner has these precious qualities. Recieve all that love she gives to you and don't feel guilty about it, even when it feels as though you don't deserve it. That's the whole point. Because you do! Bit by bit you will begin to believe that love in general truly belongs in your life and inner beliefs. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful qualities I would say, next to love. Also, I understand where you are coming from. It's very hard to deal with but with time, effort, awareness and letting go the hurt will turn into beauty. Keep the faith friend. You are doing great.
Thank you so much I haven't had anyone to talk to about this and it means a lot ❤️