Rough break up and bad actions

I feel like i am spiraling down, and when i feel that things are getting better, there is something proving me wrong. I had a rough break up. It was a couple months back, i needed to go to the doctor to seek help, but at some point i also need to start acting as if everything was okay. So when a friend invited me to New years eve, i thougt it was a good chance to continue that act and show everyone including myself that i am fine now. We were playing games, had fun, but at some point people said things about relationships, eithee in the game, or just like that. And it hurt. Closer to the end of the party my friends boyfriend saw that i am sleepy. I was supposed to drive, and a friend of mine asked me earlier if i could drive her since we were going the same way. He told me that i am letting her use me. I told him that i am fine, and its not true, i had afterall said when i was planting to go, however he did not let it go. I dont know why but i told him that he is nor right since i brole up with his best friend (the one i had a rough break up with). During the conversation i told him what the friend did to me, as he said that my ex was sad (he did not apologize for his actions to me). And he became speechless. He asked me if i could objectively say what i felt about him. I wanted to take revenge and told him that i hate him, and that i dont want to either see or hear about him. I even got so far as saying that he is dead to me at this point. I loved him for the good, but i cant forrige him for the bad, and my friends bf seemed to understand, and as he saw me become sad apologized for bringing that up. Even tho he did not seem angry, and Even told me that i deserved better than that, i cant help but feel terrible about the whole thing. I know i did it wrong, and my anger and hurt cant be an explanation for my words...