Write hard and clear about what hurts

Write hard and clear about what hurts – Ernest Hemingway.

Its not easy to deal with me. I know that. And it stings a bit.
I was doing so great, but then it all fell apart again and Im not sure I know why. Maybe the problem is me. I try to be strong and get over it, but this time is being much harder and I am not sure I understand the reason why its all happening inside of me.
I am the one who has to put myself together, but I just seem not to function. I cannot study or get outta bed. Everything I do seems so damn wrong. My mothers screams and punches didnt bother me a while ago, but now… they seem to shatter my heart. I dont know why I am so sensitive, and I hate being that weak.
I have been feeling too much, 8 or 80. Loneliness. Pain. Numbness, sometimes. Suddenly everything starts to fall apart in my world and my first instinct is to grab the pieces, but I know I cant. I see it all happen as I only stare blankly. I JUST WANT THE WORLD TO STOP. I NEED EVERYTHING TO STOP FOR A WHILE. Thats all I can think of.
And it hurts that my little cousin is going to live abroad with his parents. That lil guy avoided a suicide many times. Hes one of the reasons I stay. I dont know what Im gonna do without him. I cannot find my own roots to hold on to.
I wanna succeed, wanna be the best in whatever I become, but it seems so far away… I know I still have a long, long, long way to go.
There are still moments that can calm me down.
When Mari asks me to play Stop, gives me all her attention, asks me if Im okay. The way she understands me like nobody else does. When she proves shes the most empathetic person I know.
When Manu sleeps in my house because I am not okay and just need Netflix, popcorn and laughs. I like the way we can spend hours side by side, dont even talk and still feel connected. Thats a friendship that Id never forget. Even though I hate the way she simplifies everything, I love how her laugh is so loud. She spent rough times with me, saw many panic attacks and drove my wheelchair all around school for 2 whole months. Gave me baths when I had a casket on. Studied with me to the VGs. She talks to me about books, movies and curiosities about the world. Shes always teaching me something. I love how we put our legs on top or each others while watching things. I love how comfortable we are in front of each other. She can be annoying and insensitive sometimes, but I love her so dearly. Shes the best friend Ive EVER had.
When Luiz laughs hard at something silly I say, that wasnt even supposed to be funny. He makes jokes about everything and its the person Id talk to if I wanted to laugh. I love that he was my first boyfriend. Was a real funny, crazy and weird experience. Hed forever be in my heart. I love the way he gets voiceless when he laughs. I hate the way he never laughs at what hes supposed to laugh. But he eventually laughs at things I dont say meaning to make him laugh. Crazy, yeah. Hes my Megamente, my Luiziane, my chuchu, my Lulu, my Luva haha. He hates the last one. Hes so unpredictable and hardworking. Its so good talking to him, even if it means we eventually block each other. It happens, but I guess we grew up enough to avoid fights haha. I remember the talks about Paris, drawing the hot cocoa on the table, the Luan Santana playing in Vamo Lás class, the random hellos… I have so many memories! So many inside jokes with him. I hate when he asks me about the movie were watching and how his cuddles are hard as stone. Hes all bones haha. I love him more than I should.
When Gustavo stops everything hes doing to pick me up and go do something with me, like going to the parking lot to drink Smirnoff and listen to our Spotifys songs (best and favorite hangout). When he puts the seats back to hug me tight while I smell in his neck that perfume I love. Geez! That perfume. Thats my favorite thing about him. And our snuggles. It calms me down somehow. I guess I feel safe. I love when he asks me to have lunch with him. I guess neither of us wanna be alone. But we have each other in those moments, and then I am fine. I loved when he said I got you while I was having a crisis, ‘cause I did feel hed got me, he always does. I loved when I went to his house and played with his cookie-named dog, Oreo. When I played his piano with all my heart. When he smells my head. The way his cheeks go up when he smiles genuinely. The way he surprises me with sudden hangouts, haha. The way I fit into his arms like our friendship was meant to be, like it was supposed to happen, planed decades ago. Those things make me believe in destiny. The way he manages to be the best friend in the whole world, the favorite place I wanna be at, in and on. His way of accepting my scars. The way he feels like home.
When Lorena is as silly as me and tells me the ultimate gossips. I love that she can be as crazy as my own self. She makes me laugh. And speechless with the gossip about teachers.
Maybe one day Ill have a great story to tell. Maybe.
In those moments, my world stops and I can finally breathe.
I come back to my house smiling after them, then I hear screams and everythings bad again. My friends talk to me on the phone, but nothing can cheer me up. Then Mari sends me the quotes of the song she says was written for me and theres nothing I can do but cry because its so true. You wanna fly and leave your worries behind, dont you?. I dont wanna be drama queen, but I just cannot ignore this pain. Its making my soul ache. Sometimes I feel like I may do something stupid and irreversible. But at the same time I wanna be like the role models I have in my life. They are so strong, and I am not, ‘cause I cant get up. I hate having psychiatric problems and stuff. I wont let it define me, thought. My illnesses are not me. And somehow I gotta manage to beat them.
My cousin, my career, them… the things that make me stay, but I still need to find deeper roots. Roots I know wont go away, roots I can plant myself. Its just hard to find seeds in the dark.