am I depressed?
I’ve been telling myself that I am not depressed for the past couple of months. In my head I was trying not to self diagnose because I tried my best to avoid the thought of me having problems. But time has passed and I’ve stayed the same. I am always ruminating, I cry every so often at the thought of who I am and what I have done in life. I know some people don’t have the energy to fix on their well being or that they have what ppl call “depression room.” I’m the opposite, I tend to clean and organize my surroundings yet I still can relate to the things depressed people have. My thoughts are not so good…. it’s always leading me to suicide because I truly believe there is no meaning in life and I have a hard time getting my loud mind to think to a conclusion of what’s the value in living. Everyday seems meaningless, I’m a timid and incompetent person, that is just a fact. My whole life plays in my mind and it certainly is true that I am pathetic and a let down to other people. I have more disappointments than successes, I don’t think they can even be called successes because however I execute anything would just be average. I’m getting carried away now but hopefully my insight might help in making you understand my perspective if I have problems or not. Anyways, the more I think about life the more I think of ending it all because if i have done nothing right, if there is no person to even live for…. Why do I have to continue? I seriously think I am set up for failure because I am incredibly lacking. Even if I stand a chance in being successful, the question still remains … what exactly is there to live for… if you can change my mind I’d like to know but if you bring about happy things, in the end most of them are temporary. It seems as if all the bright things are short but the majority of lifetime is this dull miserable living. It’s starting to sound like I am not depressed now. Maybe I should leave the community or something I think I’m just getting way too carried away with my philosophy on life …
What’s the meaning of life? I always ask myself that too. For the longest time I thought I was faking my depression but I’m lucky enough to have a family member whose a doctor. She said I had severe depression and anxiety. I was very suicidal too. I nearly attempted a suicide but I thought to myself why? What’s the meaning of life? What’s the meaning of death? Why should we die? Why do we die? What happens when we die? So many questions. I’m not living because of someone else I’m living because I realised that even though I have so many problems at such a young age I should do what I want. I’m still discovering myself and finding the beauty in life.
Thank you for replying to this. It means a lot really, I’m still trying to figure out a motive to live. For one, we’re both young and I like to think there’s more to discover and learn from if we continue our journeys.
