ANA: The Fear of Gaining

My Story:

Most notable is the fear of gaining weight. What is this experience like for you?

Like the greatest form of fear and distress. I'll often alternate between not caring at all balanced with full blown panic and drastic life changes. I also have medication side effects to manage.

Does it result in anxiety, depression, and/or actions?

Yes, followed by the satisfaction of "re-gaining control". I forever identify as the thin girl in my social groups and become completely pre-occupied with the physical attributes of others. If I gain I become terribly depressed and my restrictions resurface in their cyclic nature. I tell my husband that I want to lose, I increase my activity, I wear different clothes, harbor obsessive thoughts and impulsive behavior, and eat less.

Have you been to the treatment?

Yes, I was hospitalized at 15 for psychiatric and self injurious reasons. The doctor on shift concluded, after a three hour personality inventory, that I had paranoia, anxiety, and depression. (These would result in more accurate diagnoses 11 years later as manic depression, PTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia (fear of people).)

Do you fee likel they got to the heart of the matter, or was it just a re-feed center?

I was referred to a nutritionist due to a suspected eating disorder, but was never officially diagnosed or treated for this.