AN recovery struggles (body image)

I’m in active eating disorder recovery, specifically anorexia. I’m writing here today because I’m been having a tough time with my body. I know, I know, my body doesn’t define me— I know. I just cannot seem to get over this hurdle and it’s the most important one to work through if I want to be recovered. I noticed that I’m falling back into old patterns, like body checking, slight restriction, and old automatic thoughts are popping back up. I just want to be done and over all of this eating disorder stuff. I’ve already sacrificed so much time and effort trying to get over this thing. I don’t know what to do. I cannot find the thing that will finally make recovery click for me. I hate my body so much. I’ve never looked like this before. None of this probably makes sense, but I just needed to vent and I’m trying to keep myself from panicking