I Feel So Invalid

@rabidkink I know the feeling of gaining. Since I began recovering I have gained 44 lbs (or so) and I wasn't exactly a light weight to begin with. That means I have hit a notch where I don't wanna recover. I just wanna loose weight :3

Maybe stop thinking about losing weight and start thinking to about your happiness. Things that makes you happy (not weight related). Maybe you have things you didn't let go. So find that out and forget about it 🙂

Laxatives do not help. They will only minimize certain foods that will still be absorbed. I've been around the block so to speak. Anorexia and bulimia which has caused me ulcers, tooth loss. I am now the proud owner of 5 molars, due to the amount of acid that simply rotted out my front teeth, and the roots of my teeth were simply..dead. I was skinny. Skinny. I weighed 129 lbs and I'm 5'10. I wore a size 3/5 and I looked like a walking skeleton. I couldn't find a bra or pants that wouldn't just fall off of me, but the sick thing is I MISS it. I miss that cold empty feeling in your stomach when you don't eat. I miss being a gaunt skeleton that thought she was attractive. I miss my tiny Jeans. I miss the satisfaction when you see a whole dinner in the toilet. But I was the only one who thought this. After I had two kids, I somehow accept it. Not always, no. No one ever will. Sometimes I will do a fast for one day. Water etc. It makes me feel better I suppose. I weigh 170lbs and have huge boobs. Will I ever stop thinking about it? Probably not. But the first step starts with the first bite, and believe me, not throwing up or denying yourself pizza is amazing. Can I say I won't relapse? No. But until then, I'm going to imagine I'm not f%&$*>$ up.