I don't know if I want to recover.
I'm so torn between trying to recover and not wanting to at all. I'm currently in outpatient treatment, not necessarily by choice. I'm still restricting and trying to fast. I know that I'm not capable of recovery where I am right now with myself. I've been seriously considering inpatient/residential treatment but I keep telling myself that I'm not sick enough (skinny/unhealthy enough) to need that sort of treatment. I honestly don't know what to do.
Ambivalence is the natural part of eating disorder recovery. Depending on how long you have experienced an eating disorder it can feel like it is no longer something you 'have' but something you 'are'. Non-jugmentally accepting that ambivalence is where you are at is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself. Don't beat yourself up that on some days you fast and restrict and on other days you want residential. Recovery from an eating disorder is hard, but it sounds to me like you are already doing what you need to be doing. Discern the truth for yourself...trust that you will make the right choice for your own recovery.
