both me and my partner have an ed (tw)

hi everyone, id like to rant a little bit about my current situation and maybe get some advice or words of support since ive been feeling pretty hopeless and stressed about this specific topic for some insight, i relapsed into anorexia exactly a year ago, at bmi 26. today i am at bmi 19, so not underweight at all. my issue is concerning the fact that my disordered habits started disordered thoughts onto my girlfriend last march. at first she joined ed communities and started exercising and restricting, but that stopped when summer ended. to this day she still has disordered thoughts and self esteem problems. the thing is that i cant ramble to her about my problems because she will get triggered, but she cant do it either because it goes both ways and she feels guilty, so do i. but, the thing is: i love her more than love and i dont want her to harm herself, but right now my disorder is bigger than anything else and the thing that worries me the most is her getting sick and getting thinner when she is already thinner than i am. it makes me sick. it makes me sick to think about being one year relapsed into anorexia and still being fatter than my girlfriend who just thinks about it. i feel so guilty for thinking this but she is my major trigger and it makes me feel so fucking guilty and bad and i dont even know what to do. im not gonna recover, not soon anyway, so i dont know how to stop these thoughts and i just want to be sickly thin so she can look at me and feel worried and think that im too skinny, or skinny at all. thats all, i really needed to get that out of my chest, i hope everyone is having a great day and i wish recovery to all of you ♡