help?
So, I've been struggling with my eating disorder for over a decade now and I'm so beyond sick and tired of it. I know why I have it, I know it doesn't bring any good to me or my life but I just can't fully commit to recovery out of fear.
I've moved in with my girlfriend and it's finally hit how much it effects her and just...makes her worry and stress and I feel horrible. She talks about how she does worry about the future and if we'll be a normal, stress free couple so I'm totally crumbling inward because I feel so beyond horrible. I know I get defensive and make it hard to talk to but I just...I don't know what to do. How do you finally commit to recovery, I'm stuck at counting calories and restricting it to a certain number so I know it holds me (and us) back and I want to desparately change but I'm also so so scared of getting fat. But I feel like me hating myself is what I'm doomed to if I want us to be happy in the future...
Sorry this is long and disjointed, I'm new on the site and really struggling.
Thanks
@modestGlobe4299
Hi. Welcome to the site. I hope you find it useful with your struggle. 10 years, thats a long time, no wonder you are beyond sick and tired of it. And so pleased for you that you are looking to the future, and I'm guessing that it might look almost impossible for you to have the future you want.
I was interested to hear that you know why you have it. And also to hear that you have a fear about recovery that might prevent you moving forward.
it sounds like you are very sensitive to how this stresses and worries your girlfriend, I can understand how that would make you feel, not too good about things to say the least!
It good that she can be honest and open with you, and it must be difficult for you to be the same back. And I wonder if you have always been defensive.
I am glad for you that you want to change. Change is always difficult especially if we have fears about what the change might bring, and that is true for most people. I suppose I'm trying to say its understandable to feel a bit confused and lost just before to get to the point where you can commit to change.
And I just want to know that you are not alone and that you have people that care about you.
I hope this helps even if just in a small way.
I am a listener here so if you would find it useful please feel free to message me, or reply to this whatever you are most comfortable with.
Take care
paul
