i think i’m getting better?

i might not stay in this community for long because it might be triggering, i haven’t decided yet. i’ve been on vacation the past 2 weeks and i thought i had gained weight but i actually lost. i’m still underweight and suffering with anorexia makes me both happy and upset. my ed brain makes me happy that i didn’t gain and actually lost, but while in recovery i have learned a lot about my body and food and everything in general, and it’s helped a lot in recovery. i have been trying to eat healthier, but in a way that isn’t so restricting, and i still enjoy foods. when i get back home from this vacation i hope to join a gym and work out more, but when i do i’ll eat more food so it doesn’t become unhealthy. exercising is hard for me, i am a competitive dancer so you would think it’s something i would love, but a lot of the time i don’t. i suffer with depression and that leaves me feeling tired, physically and mentally, unmotivated and even fatigued. with those symptoms it makes working out extremely hard on my physical body but it’s also very mentally draining. i love the idea of working out, but i just can’t right now. my goals are to work on my depression and then fuel my body so i have more energy and happiness to make my life better.