From the heart

Im tired of being fat; Its exhausting, frustrating, and I feel disabled all the time.

I want to lose weight and be my own perfect body, but I cant. I want to be able to run do sports and not fear hurting myself because my legs cant handle my weight. Yet trying to lose weight isnt really that easy I tried all kind of diets easy diet where you reduce the amount of food. Hard diet where you cut most of the shit you eat. I tried sports I even tried surgery and battled with my weight for many years but none of the above worked and what broke me each time I would feel hopeless one day and get a bite of something that I like and then another bite and another bite and boom I find myself weighing more than the weight I started the diet.

A lot of the times I feel like these diets made me bigger. my self-esteem lowered with every failure, I hated myself more which resulted in eating more.

As a child I wasnt fat I was fit child who enjoyed candy a lot and hated the pain that I felt while doing sports. growing up and gaining weight year after year made sport harder. And I always felt that I`m bigger than how much I really am that a friend once told me when you talk about yourself, I think of these giant people who cant even walk. Honestly thats how I feel inside and thats the thing I`m afraid of becoming.

I remember when I used to be little child I was very cute, and people would love me instantly and many wanted to be my friend. I felt wanted now I have to battle myself everyday to convince myself that I am.

Honestly, Im so scared of trying again. I can imagine all the comment if I posted this: bitch go out and move your ass, close that mouth of yours and you will be fine and probably many worst. There would be many encouragements and advises as well. which will make me feel more disabled and lower my self-esteem even more.

If you know me, you would have never guessed its me who`s writing this. I never show my weaknesses because Im a very scared girl. Yet I appear to people as a strong bitch thats so sweet, yet no one can mess with.

-ML