I hate "HCLF" Veganism - Bingers worst diet

Ive lost [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics / triggers] pounds over the past 2 years, most of it through eating [edited] cals and not really exercising. But in the past year, my weight has gone up and down from [edited] to [edited] in a constant cycle, and so even when Im happy in the [edited]s, I cant live in the present and enjoy it because im always paranoid that I'll bounce back. Well, after finally havng the courage to run Cross Country, I was the happiest in my life because my body looked the way I wanted it to look, and I felt I had control.

But it was also difficult having to eat more than [edited] calories to have the proper energy to run. Well, a lot of my cycling in the past came from huge binges - mostly of fruit and carbs. Idk how many of you know freeleethebananagirl, and while she did help me turn originally vegan, she ruined my mindset with food - recovering from being hospitalized at one point from eating too little, she made it seem like stuffing my face with carbs would give me that flat look. It's worked maybe once or twice, but has classically conditioned me to stuff my face to the max, especially when Im at my house. Im not even hungry, it's like a mental competition of how much can I stuff myself. Sometimes its out of boredom. somehow I think stuffing myself will make me look skinny, but in reality, it's been less than a month since XC ended and... Ive been binging like never before. Already gained those [edited] lbs, and feel like Im not worth anything. I feel too fat and ashamed to enjoy time with friends