Introducing me and my ED.

Hello, my name is Elle! I am Brazilian and I am eighteen years old. Since I was a small kid, I have memories of me eating large portions of food, obsessed of all kinds of foods. Me and parents used to get out a lot while I was growing up and I have a lot of memories of my momma limiting how much I was eating in front of people because I was completely able to easily eat a family size portion of food. At home, I had no limits when it came to food. I could eat as much as I wanted to and, whenever I was out to school our extracurricular activities, I could go to the grocery store and supermarket and buy whatever I wanted to eat. So, I grew up with BED and I can't really define when it became a problem in my life. But I know what always had been a problem, and why food was always a friend of mine, comforting me whenever I needed. I grew up a fat child, a fat and black child on a small town. My mom wasn't really present, she spent almost all day working and I was alone at home most of the time. I had my friends, but always felt an outsider because of my appearence and my weight. When I went to middle school, it was harder. I went to a private school, with white kids and skinny girls. I was a victim of bullying because of my weight and that made me seek for comfort on food again and again. By that time, I was first diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and, of course, BED. I was really young to be dealing with that and was really suic1dal back then, because I needed to end the pain inside of me. By high school time, I moved to another town and went to a school where I found myself. I accepted my body for some time, before the desire to be skinny started to dominate each one of my thoughts. I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough, was always looked down and, somehow, everything started to be about my weight, calories and how much I was exercising. I went deep down on the anorexia hole and lost a lot of weight. I recovered during the quarantine and developed a healthy relationship with food until some weeks ago. Obviously, I had binge episodes during the time I was suffering from anorexia and during my recovery, specially when I came back eating normally for the first time. Now, I am starting college and I also started working, these changes were really hard for me and my journey and I relapsed hard on BED. I seek for comfort in food again, the apathy and the anxiety are taking over me and in order to maybe relieve this feelings or just forget about them, I just eat and eat and eat until I hate myself enough to stop. My weight scares me, my relationship with food scares me. I don't find pleasure in food anymore, not even when I am binging.