Vomiting made my mom love me

I never had a mom or a dad growing up because they dumped me on my bitch grandmother. When I would see my mom she would say I needed to cut back on food or exercise. I was 4 when this started. A few years past and my sister tells me my mom said to her if you dont quit eating you will look just like her your sister. I didnt see myself as fat but I was in her eyes. My sister was extremely under weight and had many heart problems from this and my mom praised her for being skin and bones while she never gave me a second glance. I started turning to food as a sort of you cant tell me what I am rebellion and I did end up bigger than I had hoped. I weighed 205lbs when I was 16. That summer I had some other personal issues I wont talk about until Im more comfortable but it made me have so much anxiety I stopped all together. The smell of food disgust me, the look of it, the taste, all of it. I knew I needed to eat to live but every time I did I would shove my finger down my throat because eating made me feel ugly and nasty just like my mom use to. Vomiting made me skinnier and happier. So I would resort to binging and puking it all up a few times a week. I only ate food everyother day. I ended up losing 50lbs within two months and then even more. When my mother saw me she was so happy I was finally pretty and she grabbed my smaller waist and hugged me while I cried but not from joy. I hated her for making me hate myself. She ruined my self image forever.