Not purging, but not healthy

I have been struggling with bulimia for many years, but I didn't admit it to myself until about 2 years ago. I had recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and after I did some counseling I told my boyfriend that I occasionally would binge and purge.

I didn't even know why I did it. I only knew that purging made my feel good. My boyfriend helped me work it out, and I realized that the binge/purge cycle helped me feel in control when life was just too much.

Since then, I have made some progress with my depression, and I haven't binge/purged for about 4 months. Good, right?

The problem is that I still really, really want to purge after eating anything I deem "unhealthy" (totally subjective, of course). And I feel super guilty when I DON'T purge, which majorly contributes to my depression/anxiety.

My self esteem is super low, and the temptation to B/P gets stronger anytime I have a crappy day. It sounds delusional, but bulimia has always helped with my depression and anxiety. I feel powerful, in control, and happier with my body when I B/P.

I don't like the way my brain has convinced me that being bulimic is an acceptable and positive coping mechanism.

Thoughts?