getting bigger

Hi @qyl1n. I hear you, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I was pulled to your post because I was in your position 2 years ago, struggled with an Ed for 4 years. It started off similarly, not eating much, losing weight and then eating seemingly out of control and feeling like I was not able to control myself around food. The reason why it can feel so hard to control yourself around food after restricting is because its actually your body’s natural biological response. It’s biological, it’s not meant to be controlled. Your in starvation mode and your body is doing it’s job trying to protect you. Your body is telling you it needs something after being deprived for so long. eventually this hunger surges will become less aggressive, and your weight will stabilize as your body gets nourished but it takes time. I know it can be extremely frustrating and distressing to go through though, because it probably feels very uncomfortable. If I may, I’d like to share something that you might want to consider that has helped me and some others in Ed recovery if you’ve never heard of it before is The Rule of 3s. You can check out the Rule of Threes here if you’re interested: https://marciaherrin.com/rule-of-three-food-plan/. This post also helps explain the Rule of Threes in more detail: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/eating-disorders-news/201201/getting-your-eating-back-track-food-plan%3famp. t’s a common ed recovery tool. It can be a way to help you feel more satisfied from your meals and help with hunger if your a person who likes structure. This doesn’t work for everyone, but if youre comfortable with trying it, it might help. I will warn you though to be careful that if you find yourself getting obsessive over it that you don’t continue it. And I also understand that it’s hard to find people to talk to about this. Sometimes, family can hurt when they mean to help. It’s really hard for people who have never had an Ed to understand that it’s not really all about the food, that’s just how it shows itself, and how certain things that seem normal and every day can be a trigger and a sensitive spot. And I understand that it feels like you forgot how to eat. Ed’s are really hard because we need to eat, we need food to live every day and there’s no getting around it. Recovering from an Ed is like learning how to eat all over again and people really don’t get how hard it is to be able to not look at food and see numbers, calories once you’ve seen it that way before. But from someone who has made it to the other side to recovery, I can tell you it is possible. I know it’s cliche but it is, you just have to choose it - not just once but every day. And that’s really hard to do. It’s okay if you’re not ready for it, just even thinking about recovery I s a revolutionary first step. You being on this forum shows it. All you can ask of yourself is to do the best you can. It may take a while, longer than you want to start to see food as just food again. Sometimes recovery may even feel harder than actually having the Ed itself but it is entirely worth it. If you can and haven’t already, I would also encourage you to find a trained therapist you can talk to that specializes in eating disorders, a dietitian, online meal support group etc. if those resources are available to you. Recovering from an ed without much professional help can be extremely difficult and dangerous. However, if you absolutely aren’t able to get access to any professional help resources finding a safe community, volunteer activity/group related to your interests can be helpful. Anything to give you a sense of community and give your mind a break from ed. I know that May seem really hard to do when you’re struggling, but getting out of your comfort zone can open the door for change to come in. What saved me personally was volunteering and finding a community of people that accepted me for who I was when I couldn’t accept myself. But regardless, you do what works for you. Recovery looks different for everyone and it is in no way a straight line. No eating disorder is the same, and in the same way no ones recovery looks the same. There will be ups and downs, there will days you make progress and days you feel like you’re back at square 1 again. But it’s not the setbacks that matter it’s the fact that you get back up and try again that matters. Hope this helps you. Wishing all the best for you and your journey. Good luck. :)