Alone
I'll try to keep things short and simple. My time off during quarantine finally allowed me to reach a level of recovery after struggling with anorexia and bulimia for about 12 years. I thought I was stable enough to weigh myself but I was not; the weight I gained since my low point last year sent me into a panic attack. Now I'm actively engaging in behaviors seemingly out of nowhere and I haven't told anyone. I don't have a therapist and can't afford/don't want one. I'm virtually estranged from my family and the only two people actually in my life aren't equipped to deal with my issues. I have a lot to lose and I know a relapse could greatly impact my life/career, but I don't know what to do. Tldr: Was recovered, now relapsing, therapists are expensive and friends aren't therapists.
I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. But you’re not alone. Try to think of all the reasons you recovered before, and any new ones you want to recover now. It’s okay to have slip ups but know that you have not failed. Recovery is hard and not linear, there are bound to be bumps in the road and particularly hard triggers. The stage of recovery you had got to is amazing, and you can get there again and even further. I believe in you. You are worthy of recovery and you deserve to be happy and healthy, mentally and physically.