Alone in my eating disorder

Ive having a hard time, I never been so stuck into my eating disorder as now, yesterday and today I ate along with the people I was with (well most of it) because I wanted to show the side of me that is still there that I can do it easy.

Now I am lowkey panicing, saw my body in the mirror and feel disgusted with myself, the urge to restrict is very strong but I cant because Im still with my friend (who doesnt know) so I dont know what to do. I kinda need somebody to talk to about this stuff who understands..