Anorexia Rehab?

So this is not where i thought i would be before starting college i certainly didnt think i would be the one pushing to put myself in/ through rehab but im not surprised anymore. My spirit isnt completely broken i know i deserve to live

But honestly those are both things ive always wanted they both represent freedom- college from my family/traumatic past and rehab- freedom from myself

But both those things are way too expensive!!!! Gah

Im just so stressed

Idk how to help my sister or my mom

I just i do a lot

I appear very professional ig

Theres just so much to do for school and college rn which again i have been working to get here for what feels like my whole life

and how are my mom and sister going to live how am i going to live

I just feel like for a lot of reasons like what if i just pass out in graduation or the honors induction or whatever

What if my body finally stops shaking like an old woman and it finally just faints

I cant let that happen

I have survived this long on so little food tbh and so little emotional support and so much depression and by myself physically

I just want to live. I want my twin sister to stop manipulating me and also being suicidal bc i am so scared for her all the time i just want my mom to be an adult human so i know when i leave she ll be okay

But you cant force those things. You can give them medicine and coping mechanisms and my sister finally stopped saying that she only plans to live a few more years and maybe my mom stopped halucinating

Its not okay. She deserves to live more than anyone or at least a lot ok. I just cant fight for her every day if im not okay either

And i am so so so tired

Beautiful is infuriating

Sometimes i wish i never saw myself

It wasnt always like this i use to be able to just live and eat and breathe and know who i am but not since the past almost 8 years

Bc i have scared myself and starved myself and infected myself and really just deteriated by own body and its funny bc im still traditionally 'beautiful' (it helps that i obsess over my makeup and clothes)

Just to try to find a way to be able to feel like when i look at myself thats who i am. Thats who i am. Thats who i want to be and shes fine shes gonna be okay shes real oh look those are my eyes looking at me not this shell of a person or a child or a person entirely warped and molded up that i dont even know.

I wanted to make myself before my dad or my rapist or my older sisters or any creepy man ive had to holds hand, could make me.

And im just a brillant barbie doll now. (Bit of an exageration but i feel like it)

And thats fine for people fine.

Idk i just really dont want to go through another 8 years terrified that im missing out on living while also stopping myself from living

I thought we were finally gonna be free.

Bc i really dont want another 8 years like this there is only so much introspection and identity making and dissociation and time snapping realizing what have i done to myself, a psyche can take before it breaks completely

And i know my body cant take any of it anymore

So im making this thread in case i do go to rehab to tell you what its like

Hopefully its safe and not a cruel nellie bly 10 days in a madhouse situation which im also terrified of bc im terrified of doctors oh man

I also just wanted to vent please dont give toxic positive advice like i should just idk see the bright side

All i do is love life and everyone in it and fight for the bright side bc i believe its there some where

Its not a lack of hope. Im doing this bc i think i deserve to get there