Bad Day
I decided to finally join this app after today. I had been recovered for about 4 months before today when I starved myself all morning then proceeded to eat a couple pieces of pizza and purged. I couldn't handle the greasy feeling in my stomach, and i started thinking about how those calories would just quickly add up. For some context, I'm a 16 yr old competitive rower so I burn on average [Redacted for mentioning specific calorie counts] calories a day when i workout (6 days a week.) I know this behavior is dangerous and bad for me but I can't seem to stop. Please help.
Edited by: @piercetheaiden
@cocoleo im sorry i dont know what to say. ive never had any problems with food. but i understand how horrible must that feel. dont de too harsh on yourself. after all food is what gives us energy to our body. healthy or not, food = energy. you are young and also have a rigorous training schedule. dont be afraid of gaining weight. if you worry about beauty standards remember they are fake and nowadays that standard is diminishing. dont listen to your internal judge. try to relax and enjoy. you got this! ;)
@helpeasemymind1 thank you i really needed this
@cocoleo no problem 
i'm sure you will overcome this. this website is good and it has been helpful to me
Long answer ahead, feel free to just skim.
At 16 you're still growing and you need a lot more fuel than you make think. I know what it's like to be afraid of being where you once were, but I honestly think that with your exercise routine and growing body there is no reason to not take in energy. If you want to get better at rowing, you gotta eat! I say this as someone without sports background but with anorexia & sometimes exercise addiction/ exercising after food (not sure what it's called). I know it's hard to stay on track with recovery.
Maybe you can pinpoint why you started thinking about food adding up vs just fueling you. The pandemic is still causing people to relapse, that may be one reason. I would suggest finding a therapist if you haven't already. I know that can also be extremely hard during this time - been there, am still there, it sucks I know. Not eating all day will lead to binging. That is the human body's response to not being fed. Another thing is you're eating when stressed, which is not gonna feel great other than relieving the body of its physical hunger. A couple slices of pizza also isn't going to make you gain weight permanently overnight. Food isn't there to hurt you, I promise. Do you have someone you could eat with? Like a support buddy to help you cope with your anxiety after eating and to help deal with it in a positive way? Sitting with the anxiety is going to be one of the hardest parts along with challenging your thoughts. If you have a journal, another good prompt can be: why do I think being overweight is bad? What evidence goes against this? How does binging make me feel? And purging? Exercising? What are my trigger foods? How can I separate ED's voice from mine?
I do hope you have a team behind you & plenty of support. You're so young. Breaks my heart you're dealing with this at just 16 :/ I'm very sorry, I don't have experience with bulimia. I hope this helps. Best of luck to you!
