I Don't Want to Be Known for My Weight
So my parents and I drove up to my hometown for my cousin's wedding this week and I feel like everywhere I turn, all anyone notices about me is my weight. I've been trying really hard to recover from my eating disorder, and I've been doing relatively well. I gained x amoun of weight since I had the flu and plummetted so I'm proud of myself for that, but it's still not good enough. I'm still too skinny and I feel like I always be too skinny. My weight will never be good enough. The very first thing my one aunt said to me when we showed up for the wedding was "Hey, skinny!" and started going off about how small I was and I wanted to curl up and die. My grandmother, who I'm staying with, is hellbent on Weight Watchers and she always mentions how many points she has for the day and how many points such and such is. We got into a disucssion about this at lunch when her and my grandfather said I could afford to gain some weight and asked me how much I weighed and shit like that. Afterward I couldn't stop thinking about it so I sat down and counted how many calories I've eaten every day for the past five days and then hopped on the scale in my grandmother's bathroom and wanted to die because even though I've been doing really well and eating a lot, I haven't gained a goddamn thing and I hate it. I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me but I feel myself spiraling now into a serious state of depression about my weight because I will never freaking weigh enough. I don't know what to do, all I know is that all anyone ever notices in me is how skinny I am and they make no precaution in pointing that out to me and I seriously hate myself because of it.
@myaekingheart
I completely understand what you're going through. When I was recovering from my eating disorder, everyone would refer to me as a "stick." It can be really challenging, especially when you're trying to recover. The thing is, you are recovering! You're eating healthier and that is some serious progress. Other people don't know you as well as you know yourself and they don't know what you've been through or how hard you've been working to improve. I'm proud of you for recovering! Have you tried talking to them about this and letting them know how much it bothers you? Their comments might be because they're concerned, so maybe they'll stop when they realize it's not helping. Best of luck to you! You're amazing and stay strong <3
Hi @myaekingheart
You have taken the first steps towards recovery and that is the most important thing you can do at this time. Congratulations!
When recovering from disordered eating behaviors one of the hardest hurdles is listening to everyone around you. It is not easy to tune them out but it is a skill you can work on and in time tune them out. I wish you a healthy and long term recovery.
-Sarah
@myaekingheart It's pretty rad that you're recovering. Like with everything though, there's gonna be hiccups here and there, little setbacks. You can't let it stop you from just doing the best you can to better yourself. I may not be the best person to take advice from about "loving yourself", but just like you I'm improving and working at it best I can.