I Hate Eating. But I Love Food. But Do I Really Have An Eating Disorder?
I started having troubles eating in grade 9. I'm non-binary and wish I had a bit more masculine of a body. My thighs, stomach, and back are too fat, but my friends say I'm skinny.
Five years later I guess I still do have an eating disorder, but I don't know. I used to binge/purge, fast, etc. Now I eat on a schedule.
Weekdays (protein shake; booster juice; vegetables; dinner is optional...?)
Weekends (protein shake; vegetables; dinner is optional...?)
My girlfriend says its still an eating disorder, but I think I'm just avoiding bad foods. This is all I eat. Unless I eat something else that isn't on my schedule, but that is thrown up afterwards. I also found that dinner is a difficult meal (my gf and I went on a date to Swiss Chalet and I was trying hard not to throw up my chicken. I didn't want to ruin our night, so I kept it down. She could tell I was uncomfortable and expressed this, but I insisted I was okay.)
I just don't know how to fix this. Help?
@MercurytheLoner
I'm really sorry that you're going through this, it sounds incredibly difficult. I am in recovery myself, so I know it isn't as simple as "just eating more" or "not throwing up."
Eating disorders are very tricky and competitive and like to tell us that we aren't really sick. I can't diagnose you, but I think if you are recognizing that something isn't right and you may need some more support, it could be an indication that you may have an eating disorder or at the least some disordered eating habits and patterns of thinking about food. I'm proud of you for reaching out and opening the door for a discussion. Sometimes our symptoms evolve and shift and even though you are still eating in some capacity each day, it sounds like your list of "safe" foods is incredibly small and restrictive, coupled with the fact that veering from this eating routine causes you severe anxiety and leads you to purge.
It's tough to parse out what behaviors are ED related rather than just "trying to live healthily" when you're deep in the illness or disordered thinking--I would just encourage you to think very carefully and honestly about what your intentions are in following these specialized food rules.
Lastly, this screening tool can be a helpful guide on whether or not what your experiencing could benefit from some professional help--as someone who has gone through all levels of eating disorder treatment, it does sound to me like you could benefit from some more help and support. And please feel free to browse the forums, connect with a verified listener, and utilize our weekly check-in threads.
If you use the screening tool and anything comes up for you that is surprising or difficult to wrap your head around--feel free to keep me updated. And also let me know if you have any questions about anything I've mentioned here or any questions about how the treatment process might work for you, or help with finding resources in your specific area.
Wishing you all the best--I believe there are better things waiting out there for you, and that your world can grow so much bigger once these issues begin to resolve.
@MercurytheLoner
Sounds like Arfid. I have it too, I hate eating foods I don't like (due to texture or whatever) and the foods I do like I binge them because of how hungry I am. I was originally diagnosed with an ED but after talking to a psychologist, they diagnosed me with Arfid. I recommend using drinks as a substitution if that works for you
