I don't know what's going on!!

MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

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I have always had thoughts like maybe if I stop eating I'll lose weight. Have tried to make myself throw up a couple times years ago. I never done it since. I always have thoughts about doing it but never actually do. I hate my body so much but some days it's alright. I look at youtube people eating disorder story's. I don't know why I do this! Nobody knows and I'm very scared. I don't restrict and I don't purge. I have the thoughts. I eat probably to much but I'm not over weight. Please help me I've been in the same place for years.