I keep relapsing over and over

Just a general tw. I know this stuff is bad to read if you're trying to recover yourself.

So most of the summer I've been trying to get better, eat normally and go for walks or runs in the evening. I still felt and still do feel really bad about my body, but I figured I should work on the part of this problem that physically harms me. And some days I did fine, but others I would find myself fasting again or binging when I got sad.

This past week has been worse though. Every morning I wake up snd tell myself I'm gonna be fasting that day, make it to about 7 or 8pm, then binge quite a lot of food, especially junk. And today I tried to make myself vomit, something I've only done a few times before, then got really upset when I realized what I was doing to myself. I feel like there's different versions of me when I'm eating and when I'm looking at myself in the mirror and right after I've eaten. I just feel like I haven't been doing better at all and that I'm using recovery as a chance to binge. And there's another part of my brain that tells me that I don't have an ed at all bc i havent lost a huge amount of weight and that I'm being overdramatic. I just wish I could figure out a way to work through this. I'm an adult now, and I've been dealing with body issues since I was 9 and an eating disorder since I was 13. I don't want to keep doing this weird cycle of hating myself and wanting to be thinner and not caring if I hurt myself in the process.