I’m afraid I’m falling into a cycle

I’m currently suffering the effects of a detox tea, & i have stomach pain where I don’t want to eat. Not wanting to eat is unheard of for me, because everyone knows I love all types of food. I think, “Maybe if I speak about food lovingly, they won’t suspect that I spit out small bites of “bad food” or that I can’t be in the bathroom alone.” I am average size, but feel uncomfortable with my weight half the time. Most of my diet is vegetarian and I don’t eat cheese or red meat anymore for health/beauty reasons. It became a healthy eating mindset first, but then I started staring at my food bowl for a period and would stand near the trash scooping out spoonfuls until I felt alright with the amount. I know the calorie count and what it takes to burn them off for too many foods. I spend at least 2 hours at the gym 3 times a week and I convince my mind that I can binge after. I have no portion control. I’m in love with this feeling that I’m doing it for myself and that I love my body. Am I vain for this? I feel like I’m drifting farther away from that claim whenever I eat so much that I struggle with breathing. I don’t know how to bring this up to those around me because I feel I’m not being taken seriously. I love & hate the feeling of fullness, because I don’t know where the line is between satiety & immobility. I don’t think I have an eating disorder, but I’m scared it will get to a point where I will develop one. I know I am not alone, but people feel far away from me sometimes. All I can wonder is what I’m going to have or not have for my next meal.