It feels like I am incapable of stopping

I am 18, finishing my first semster of college, and I feel like I am at the end of my rope with health. I have tried about 4 separate times to lose weight, to varying degrees of success; but at the end of each of these occasions, I gain all of the weight back and more. I started at 270lbs 3 years ago, lost 50 lbs, and relapsed several times and I’m now 350lbs, and I feel nothing but anger and resentment towards myself. I feel disgusting- I’m lazy and gross, and I feel as if I simply am not be capable of love. I close myself off to these feelings and bury my time in video games, and while I do enjoy the time I spend on them, they are really just a distraction from my problems. My grades are declining, I talk to my friends less, I ghost people for little to no reason, and I’m getting fatter and weaker every day. I haven’t felt real pride in about a year, when I played semi professional esports, but slowly I’ve stopped enjoying it and lost motivation to try in that too. I like to pretend that I’m fine, but all that has done is push people away for the sake of my own selfish comfort. I regularly lie and take advantage of peoples kindness for what fees like absolutely no reason. I am the most emotional I’ve been in years right now and I want to take advantage of it to better myself.

even finishing this and reading it over, the feeling of selfishness is all that presents itself from how much I make it about myself

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not suicidal, but I simply feel empty.