It is hard for me to accept my body - and this shouldn't be a bad thing

(this might be a long rant, so I'm sorry - but needed to get it out)

(also pardon if isn't on right place..)

I don't act on eating disorder behaviors, barely even have disordered thoughts about food - it's been a year since I fully invested in 'recoverying' and breaking bad cycles. But I don't love my body, can't even look at it in the mirror so I avoid them fully so it doesn't trigger the disordered thoughts and behaviors. I don't accept my body, I accept my weight but not my body - if it makes sense? I accept that my weight is higher, but not my how my body looks. And I know this seems like a bad thing to say, but I will never accept my body how it is now - and I don't know why I should. This is the moment when people say "oh but you're not fat" or "fat is beauty" or "you should love your body no matter what because it gets you through the day". Let me tell you this: those sentences trigger me. And by trigger, I don't mean making me want to starve or binge, but trigger depression and self-harm urges. So please, if you only have those to say - don't even say anything, for the best of us both.

It's hard to accept my body when this weight gain wasn't me who chose it and I don't mean recovery made me gain weight - on the contrary. I lost and had to lose. Because when your ED makes you gain weight it's not only a shame, it's unhealthy - rapid weight gain is unhealthy, it is. Specially when the main culprit is medication that triggered binge eating which triggered heavy restriction which - you get my point. It's hard to accept when with this weight gain, comes the memories of the time I gained the weight (in psychiatric hospital) and everytime you look in the mirror you see the label in yourself of how you were "there" and everyone knows and treats you differently.

I'm not here to ask for pity or to say "it's impossible to love my body" but just that it's not as easy as people show. It's not all butterflies and rainbows and.. take pictures while on a bikini screaming "body positivity" and boom you're happy with life. It's not that way, when memories come with it. Memories of people treating me differently and judging me based on my body. Before I got treated like a person, when someone saw me they'd point out my outfit, hair or something we both had interested on. After weight gain, I never got back to being treated like a person, I became a weight. At first was commenting how big I gotten, how I got chubby but that fat was beauty, giving diet advice indirectly. Or worse: putting more food on my plate or putting food right up in my face because I looked like someone that liked to eat, and I did eat it all. I did, because that's what binge eating does - and then got home and ate more, and hated myself. And once they noticed I felt uncomfortable, they'd comment on how slim I gotten, asking if I had lost weight or saying how they wished they were my size - and asking bluntly my size, weight. I never again got seen as a person, not like before.

Also there's the fact I was on the thin side all my childhood and teenage years, and only when became a legal adult, this happened. Probably yes, if wasn't the medication, my eating behaviors would've gotten worse either way - or probably not, I can't know. But what I know is that this 'body' is a memory of not only this but my suicide attempt - since it happened right after it. And it's not a good memory to have, when you look in the mirror, of the night that changed everything and not for the better.

Hating your own body isn't only hating how your body looks. Or at least, isn't for me. For me, it's hating what led to it, it's hating what happened, it's hating how people invalidated me. And while, I hate how it looks - it's deeper than that. I just hoped someone would really care to understand this because I notice everyone is ready to say "love your body" but not ready to understand "why do you hate your body" without having assumptions pre-made. And when you don't love your body, they assume it's because you want to live in misery. No. If I could, I would but I can't. Not right now.

And there's nothing wrong with saying 'yet'. I can't love/accept my body yet. Yet doesn't mean never, yet means - one day I will. What's so wrong with saying "yet" that makes me people upset? Maybe i'm the weird one, but when I say "yet", I feel semi-motivated at times. I like using it.