Motivation
I need motivation to keep eating. I really don't want to and everytime I do I just want to purdge. I'm really trying but I'm not sure how to keep fighting if I even want to
@Goldcherry2113
Hi Goldcherry, hope you are hanging in there! I'm here and listening.... And sending you hugs if you'd like them. It sounds like you might be having some pretty intense feelings and emotionally feeling pain? Do you think it might help to share a little what is going on? You arn't alone and I'm listening if you want to share.
Sometimes it helps to just not feel so alone. I don't know what your circumstances are, but can relate-- both from having an eating disorder in the past, and a medical thing like an ulcer that made it hard to eat without pain.
I remember in my college years having a time when I just stopped eating and had no desire to eat... I lost so much weight... and everyone was really worried about me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was so angry then. I didn't think being angry and enraged was what a "nice" girl did... so I swallowed my anger down. In hindsight, I realized I stopped eating because I was so hurt and angry by the things my relatives said about my weight, and that they thought it was funny and okay. I was so angry they could not see how much it hurt me. It was hard to sit with those emotions all the time and I had no where to vent it, so I started to stop eating... It was like one moment I was furious and hurt by them, and because there was nothing I could do about it, the next moment I turned the anger at myself. I hated myself and what I saw as my "weak discipline" that made me vulnerable to their ridicule. Being able to stop eating made me feel more in control and powerful. They couldn't laugh at me anymore. Don't know if it's anything like what you are going through.... but just wanted you to know you arn't alone and I care :).
Anyway, I've never met you but think you are perfect and perfectly beautiful just the way you are! The husband I found, loves me the way I am... He never cared about my weight, and imho the ones that care or judge, I had to tell myself they wouldn't be a good match for me anyway! I had an ex-boyfriend that cared about the way the way I looked and my weight, not so much whether I was healthy or not... Now decades later and married, I'm so grateful I'm not with him... After having the flu, being sick, having a baby, looking like a mess... I'm glad I found someone who loved me for me. It took me a long time until after college to come to peace with all of that...and sure I think I still have my insecurities! :)
Sending you safe hugs "Last One on the thread" fellow friend...
Just wondering if it might help to breathe deep diaphramatic breaths and see what emotion you are feeling? And also if there is anything your body is craving to eat? I found that listening to my bodyand creating a loving relationship with my body really made a huge difference... When I got an ulcer, a dear friend asked me to meditate and ask my stomache, what are you trying to tell me?... The technique has helped me a lot over the years, and I get some really interesting intuitive feedback! Usually for me, my stomache ulcer had to do with being enraged, acidic and scouring to myself and literally "eating" myself from the inside out! Louise Hay has a book called "Alchemy of Healing" that describes physical symptoms and their possible connections to our emotions, but i forgot what she wrote.. That's also a fascinating and interesting read!
Imho, you deserve the best... Hope you are feeding your body all the love, nurturing, acceptance and support through food that it needs to thrive, because you deserve it. And healthy peaceful gut is in my experience connected to healthy peaceful mind :) You are worth it! Tons of love sent your way!
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flowingstreams
@Flowingstreams I've struggled for years with not eating and by years I mean since I was a kid. When I get sick or depressed I don't eat and it can go on for months. Over the years of abuse to myself I found out I have crohn's disease. I lost a lot of weight and couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't keep anything in and maybe all the throwing up triggerd something and makes it now harder to eat.
I to had a boyfriend that cared about what I looked like and didn't want me to get "fat" and that has tooken a toll on me. Now I have a wonderful man in my life who has seen me at my worse and still loves me for me no matter what I look like.
I think Part of it is my dad always commanting on my weight. When I first went home from putting weight on after being sick. The first thing he said to me was "You got fat" Those word keep ringing in my head..
@Goldcherry2113 Kick his ass and think: "If getting fat means that you look healthy and are getting healthy then it's ok to be 'fat'."
@EvilRegalsReadToo I just look in the mirror and think he's right
@Goldcherry2113 Ofc you are not fat! I think you are fine! Especially if you looked sick beofre, then you must look amazing now <- that's logic! <3
@Goldcherry2113
your share brought tears to my eyes... wish i could hug you... and am sending you another cyber hug and tons of healing thoughts...i have been sick and sleeping and away... and also just because i was so afraid i might say something wrong and hopefully not offend anyone...
it still makes me soooooo mad when i hear people talk about a girl's/women's weight...
i still remember the things my relatives said... that was so mean... i will never repeat it so it cant hurt anyone else. I believe It creates internal warring inside because we have to deal with these people and we have to essentially survive through their support but at the same time, there was nothing to do with such intense emotions of hurt, rage, saddness... in the end, not knowing how to deal with all these conflicting confusing mixed messages, "you love me but this is really hurting me.". i turned it in towards me, i hated myself with the fury of however hurt I was...
that image of two dogs on the same side of a fence, when they see something across the fence they want to fight or defend themselves against but cant get at it, the dogs will actually turn and bite each other.. this taught me a lot about my eating disorder and how being unable to express my pain, i was using my body like a canvas. For me it guess it was like self harm, a way i could subconsciously hurt myself, vent the pain, and yet not really let it show... until after a period of time...
i didnt even know i had an eating disorder until my closest friend sent me a letter saying she was diagnosed!
i think i also may have developed my digestive issues because of the eating disorder... i had massive pain digesting anything i ate for a month (some form of food poisoning), but i just ignored it because i thought, if i wasnt digesting well, it would mean losing weight.... i didnt... it just ruined my digestive system and i had ulcer and ibs. Doctors said it would never get better, i could only manage it. For a long time i struggled... them maybe a decade later, i got into mind body exercise, alternative medicine, herbs, healing, probiotics, and i am doing so much better now. There were times it just hurt all the time and the only thing i knew was when it hurt or not- couldnt remember what hingry felt like or wanting to eat. For years i couldnt taste food or crave food...
but i believe in the body, in nature, in the universe's plan for us all to heal, and my stomach and ibs are pretty much non-existent (knock on wood) even after struggling for decade with it! I am praying for your healing too! And i am so happy you have found a man who loves and treasures you for who you are. You totally deserve it! You are suuch a sweetheart to everyone here!
Now i am working on loving myself exactly the way i am. I may say it with words and my mind, but it is truly something else to feel it inside, to feel like i love myself--mind, body, heart, feelings, strengths and shortcomings just as I am. I am still working on it. It still is scary and hard for me to share lol...... thanks so much for sharing. It was really courageous! And it has meant so much to be able to listen, share and get to know you better! Hope today is a good day. What did you like eating as a kid that made your stomach (Not your mouth) happy? i say that because i looooooooove popcorn, but my stomach doesn't! Wishing you a beautiful day today!
Right, I'm not part of this community but I want you to go to any food TV channel or online and search cooking shows. You will be ravenous ;)
Make a list of foods you adore and buy them.
Go and pick your own food.
In the words of the father of modern medicine, Hippocrates - "Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be the food."
food is medicine first
then the rest comes.
When you love yourself, you treat your body well.
First time i heard this song made me cry... so wished someone had told me these truths and that i could have believed them then....... sharing these words of wisdom with you... his words touched my soul. Jonny Diaz - More Beautiful You! Video is also quite interesting and deep as well!