My friend ED
Hi, my names Darby, Ive had an ed for almost a year.
When it started it was focused mainly on restricting and excessive excersize but I was able to get help and I got better. And then in around October the thoughts and voices slowly came back until they were stronger and louder and harder to ignore. And restricting wasnt enough. I started purging and lost 1 or 2 pounds. And I hid it for about a while month until my parents found out. I had already been seeing the eating disorders centre for a while before then and before I knew it I was right back there again every week. For some reason ED likes to follow a pattern and about every 2 wee ks I have a really strong urge to purge again. I know Im very lucky that Ive never had to go inpatient and Im slowly getting better. But my parents think Im better than I actually am and I dont know how to tell them. I dont want to be more of a disappointment then I already am. But the other week I wasnt doing good and ran out of band (my favourite class) to go make myself throw up then went home sick. I know how dangerous ED can be and I dont want him in my life anymore but its really hard because hes constantly in my head. So yeah. Does anyone else think of their e.d. as a person?
Anyway you are all amazing and love and hugs from Canada. I hope you guys get better soon and youre all beautiful and kind and smart. ❤️❤️❤️
xxoxxoxx
Sending healing thoughts to you, and proud of you for continuing to get help and make progress. It's tough because people in our lives mean well, and have good intentions, but eating disorders are complex and difficult to understand--when we're in the thick of things it's easy for them to express concern, but when we're in treatment and making any progress they sometimes think "oh phew! all is well they're better now we don't have to worry." You're not disappointing anyone by continuing to struggle--I did two months of partial hospital then a month of night program then another month of partial hospital then a month of residential then another month of partial hospital and another month of night program and now I'm just in outpatient care BUT even after months and months and months of treatment, and all the progress I have made, I still struggle--I still have disordered thoughts and urges. And it's understandable, you don't have to be perfect and you can't be--you have a diagnosed illness that is very all-consuming and recovery is a very slow and gradual progress and it doesn't just move in one direction, there's steps forward and steps back and it doesn't mean you are failing or not working hard enough. I think if you're able, it might be helpful to have a conversation with your parents to let them know how you're feeling--eating disorders thrive on secrecy so it could be a threat to your progress to struggle in silence. You could even have a session with them and your treatment team together so that your providers could explain to them and get them on the same page in terms of how to best support you. I did a few family sessions with my parents and it helped our relationship a ton.
And I don't personally refer to my eating disorder as a person, but it's a very common thing to do! It can be really helpful in separating your healthy thoughts and urges from your disordered thoughts and urges which is such a vital piece to recovery
Take care! Wishing you the best 