Pushing Limits
I'm not sure if I actually want to get better or not. It all feels so rushed, so sudden, but then I have to remind myself just how long I've waited for this opportunity. Two years ago, I attempted to starve my body, but I always caved in late at night with a sweet tooth. Now, I am in 9th grade, and I no longer crave food late at night. Well, I still do, but I've gained enough control and tolerance to not comply with my cravings.
This is exactly what I've dreamt for, right? For the chance to go one full day without eating anything? Wrong... I don't know what I desire. But I do know, above everything else, that I cannot do this for long. I am exhausted. I am nothing more than a walking zombie, trying desperately not to fall down. Trying to keep a steady grip on the rotating world around me.
I cannot sleep without taking pills. I cannot eat a "regular" sized meal without drinking two cups of green tea immediately after, or even purging. I refuse to step foot into my school's cafeteria. And, even more alarming, I spilled that newfound secret to some boy I barely know. Someone I might've actually had a chance with, but I doubt he'll like me once he discovers all of my flaws and secrets. I lie to everyone except strangers... It looks like he won't be a stranger for long, if he's persistent enough. I don't know if I'll be able to lie to him, despite the risk telling the truth provides.
What am I trying to do, here? Get through high school unscathed, or get myself brutally caught in a vicious crossfire? I don't know how long I can actually go through with my little diet "plan." I already feel close to collapsing, and, hey, there's something you never want to explain to your family! Or anyone at school, for that matter, who happens to notice you the moment you black out. Certainly not the guy you're developing a crush for.
I'll be honest here, I don't know where I am going with this. I'm just trying to vent out all of my thoughts, and I'm too exhausted to choose my words carefully. So, if you read this, thank you. Please don't worry about me. I take care of my health. Really, I do. I'm just having an issue coping with my raging desire to feel good about myself.
@JustAShadow Hello, my name is Georgie, and I'm a teen listener on this site.
It's so brave of you to share your story with us here. Opening up like that can be really difficult and I'm so impressed with you for letting us in like that.
It sounds like you're feeling very conflicted about what you want and about how to deal with what you describe as your desire to feel good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself can be a struggle at times, or even a journey. There will be ups and downs, and this may be a down period for you, but that does not mean that you do not have the strength to overcome these issues. I believe that you can do this. It sounds like you might find support in this boy you've been speaking to, but remember that you can always come to us for support - I'd be happy to listen to you, as would a number of our listeners, if you need a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.
I'd love to hear how things go for you. I'm wishing you all the best.