Relapse suffering

I'm sharing this because I feel hopeless about this and I feel like putting it out there and in words might be beneficial to me as I feel very alone about this.

I am really struggling with my eating disorder aka relapse, it is just spiralling and spiralling. I have a doctors appointment next week and I do not know how that will pan out as last time he saw me he commented that I looked like I had lost weight. I have got a call today that my bloods are out. I feel guilty even having an eating disorder in the first place, considering I was tube fed as a baby for almost 2 years and had difficulty with food growing up, yet now I ~intentionally~ deprive myself of nutrition.

Some days I feel like I should go to the hospital as I feel so dizzy and strange. I'm currently a weight that is not good. Everyone knows me as someone "small" but I am now a weight that is too low for my body. I've lost my period, my hair is falling out it is so thin it is ridiculous now to the point even wearing extensions it is too obvious. Although my face looks fairly normal because I've always had a well filled out face, my body is looking scary everywhere else but I cover that up with clothes. I get god awful sweats from my blood sugar bouncing around. Every day feels like a repeat of the day before. I feel like i'm living in a nightmare.

I smell awful. Not in a BO sense, but in a sickly sweet way, it doesn't matter what soap or cleanser I use. I smell sick. My legs are so damn stiff. Showering is a chore, I hardly leave my house now and I have had to resort to working on law files at home. I've become the complete opposite of who I am. I'm so miserable and trapped by this eating disorder but I'm more scared of losing it than anything else.

I really do not know what to do or the point of this post really. Just needed a vent I guess. I don't know what will end up happening at this point.