Relapsing but alone

I’m massively relapsing but I just don’t have time. I’ve been through residential and inpatient and all the bull, but I hate my recovery body, and I’m in college alone now, joining the National guard, so I can’t admit that I’m relapsing either. I feel like I never got closure from my ed. It never really ended, just quieted. And I’ve tried so hard to push it down, but it keeps bubbling below the surface and it hurts. I’ve never felt so out of control with it. I’ve never not wanted an Ed so bad and had such strong urges. I feel so alone because I can’t admit how bad it is to anyone, not my family, not my therapist, nobody. This time I’m in it alone and I’m drowning.