Sometimes Effort To Make Things Better Only Makes It Worse
TRIGGER WARNING [edited by 24Help1]
(Not trying to spam, but my last post didn't go through right...) �Anyways, I've been dealing with some sort of eating disorder for the last four years. �I wouldn't think it would be anorexia because I'm not trying to fit an image for myself (if anything the way I am skinny is more disgusting than anything to me), but it's so hard for me to eat. �In the beginnings, it was a way for me to cope with the pain of depression and emotional abuse from my ex-boyfriend at the time. �I never left bed, and having stomach problems since I was a kid, it was easier to say "I'm sick, leave me alone" than actually eat. I didn't lose much weight or anything at this point, but my body got used to being empty before I slowly recovered the first time. �
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Two years later, I was a senior in high school also enrolled in fulltime votech. �My instructors hated me for a lot of reasons (none academic! �I received awards for my excellent grades and scholarships I never used.). �It was primarily that I was an out bisexual, ganja-using, metalhead�that wouldn't let the double-standards slide (and I know what ticked them off the most was that I had a girlfriend they had to schoo away in the mornings because she would wait outside just to say good morning and give me a kiss. �Not as bad as the straight couples practically having sex halfway down the hallway, but whatever). �Either way, the way they treated me brought my depression to it's worst, coupled with my terrible minimum wage slave job dishwashing every night until one or two in the morning. �I worked at a bar, so I didn't leave until after the drunks crawled home, then I'd be up in 4-5 hours to go to school, then repeat right afterwards. �Totally illegal, but it was under the table. �It sucked the life out of me. �I went back to the one thing I could do, and that was simply not eating. �This time around, I had a friend with an eating disorder who would "compete" with me. �She was the last person I should have considered a friend.
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I watched the pounds slide right off of me. �I was underweight to begin with due to being too broke to afford good food, now I lost everything. �Over a year later, and I still can't keep them on. �I feel like my bones are breaking down. �I'm so young and have a mobility akin to that of the elderly who ask me to do all the heavy lifting for them at my preset job (Yay, retail! �What a step up after vocational school!). �My job doesn't help either. �I'm trying to gain weight, trying to eat more than a snack a day, but I'm either running a busy store by myself all day with no breaks, or I have someone but I have them because we are both too busy. �I talked to my boss about it, and her response was to give me all the shifts where I can't eat. �I give my all to that place and all I get is lies and severe underemployment and underpayment. �
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I want to be better, I want to eat. �I don't make enough to eat more than a few times a week. �I don't have time to eat. �Can't get another job because I'm too weak to do anything else. �All of this makes my depression worse, which causes me to slip on my days off and still not eat. �It's a never ending cycle of bull. �I don't know what to do anymore because I really don't think I have anything else my body can lose.
Of course it also has to double post this post as well -.- My "not trying to spam thing" was in response to my untitled post that is broken and "unavailable", but now I guess that applies to this one double posting...Oh, technology.
Hey there, zerster :)
First off, what kind of bad luck must you have had, to achieve so much academically, and end up with such low, unfitting jobs for you? And I have one more question, if you don't mind. What role does your gf play in all this, does she support you, does the relationship give you relief? She sounds great and I hope you two can talk about these things and work on them together. It can be very hard to find a balance between being oneself and "being sociable", I know this from first hand experience.
I've also had an eating disorder, I used to smoke pot to prevent me fromlosing even moreweight (or you know, hair and teeth and general health maybe).Looking back I think I can say that I had lost my will to live, I'd given myself up and didn't care if I'd live or die.The inability to eat must've been my body's response to that state of mind.Hard to say how much of the pot was actually for the munchies' sake, I first started to enjoy it because it allowed me to not think about what had happened the previous years and more importantly, forget to blame me for it.
I used to have all the time in the world back then, so it started out of psychological stress and not being able to deal with my past. it started when I was underage,droppedout of school (for reasons that make a whole other story) and unemployed.When I wanted to give up pot from one day to another, I'd been trying to force myself to eat. I'd wait for the hunger to come around night time(there was no appetite at all), cook my favouritefood or just some quick but delicious sandwich and... feel sick after a bite or two. Pot helped me eat tons of food without ever stopping basically, just short breaks before i'd continue again. Nevertheless, I tried to stop it from one day to another, listening to other ppl's advice that the appetite would return by itself if I only tried long enough. I didnt have much of a reason to eat tho and when there's no hunger or appetite, one may tend to forget to eat but I think you know how that feels. After a month and a half I must've been very low on energy, because after having 2 beers for my bday, I fainted and broke my jaw to make a long story short. This made me afraid of not smoking pot for more than 2 weeks so I did it at least on the weekends and enjoyed my munchies which made me eat EVERYTHING, no matter if I was good on cash and had a big variety offresh veggies and sugary/fatty snacks or when times were worse and I ate loads and loads of cheaper food like potatoes with ketchup maybe.
Then I had ups and downs, but somehow I managed to turn 24 without ever really having had a job. But, I managed to finish school after all, got my graduation with pretty good grades in summer 2014.
I still have a broken tooth from my accident that makes me very self conscious, esp when I have to speak to strangers.
Now, I havent smoked neither pot nor tobacco in almost 2 months. The tobacco withdrawal combined with moving to a greener, very beautiful place that makes me unbelievably happy (a new, overwhelmingfeelingafter so many years)to be able to live here, it makes me eat more and more regularely than I ever have before.
Only downside is, that lack of money and not being on the same level as my fellow students at Uni stresses me out in a way that I sometimes don't get to eat in the mornings and start eating too late and a little too little again. Overall, having figured out what I was missing in my previous life and like, what I needed to do for myself
(move from an industrial, run down area to a greener and warmer one, get my ass into science)
and actually being so, so lucky to be able to go through with it
(after all, I decided nothing and nobody was holding me where I used to live and dared to get myself in a completely new, unknown situation altogether)...
It is what made it possible for me to give up smoking without really missing it and therefore, cure my eating disorder (if you will call it that).
If you wanna talk in depth about your issues or mine, I'll be happy if you pm me!
Anyway, I wish you all the strenght you need to pull yourself out of this situation. It's never impossible, you only have to figure out which way you have to go and then be brave enough to walk it and see where it will lead.
I won't lie, those are most of the reasons I smoke ganja. I also have chronic bone pain (probably die to being so underweight with a lot of heavy lifting at work). I smoke it because like you said, it gets me to eat a LOT. I don't rely on it, I haven't had it for a pretty long while with all the bills I have, but when I do have it, it does temporarily relieve my depression and lack of appetite so I can be happy and make up for not eating much for about an hour. As for the girlfriend, I made a bad decision and broke up with her because I had a lot of other personal issues at the time and didn't think a relationship was right at the time. She was wonderful and I did and still do love her, but now I do have a man in my life. Not sure if it's a good relationship because some messed up things have happened, but I do love him as well. I also have a pretty good friend who does listen and try to help me, but I don't like doing that because he really wants to be with me. He knows what goes on in my present relationship and wants to treat me right, but I'm hoping you understand what I mean with saying that while I love him, I don't know if it's the same kind of love. Would never turn my best friend into a rebound. Not only that, but I do truly love my man, I just don't think I can love him the same as before. Guess I've been sticking around in fear of my depression getting worse with the break up seeing as how we are serious enough to get married at some better economic point. Who knows, I could find true happiness either way, but I've got to get somewhat better before any decision. also, thanks for the help, and I'll pm you sometime :)
