Tw just in case,,

I want to gain some weight, I've been underweight for years, been the same weight for years. I want to get healthier, I do. But everytime I eat, I feel really scared that I'd get uglier, that it won't fit me because this body is all I know. I hate the way my wrists look and when I circle my hand over it, i can reach past the first joint of my finger. Eating feels like a chore. Sometimes I eat lots, if I like the food. And then after that I'll skip for a few days until I feel like eating again. At this point eating feels like something like a waste of time to me,,,