Using food to deal with stress then feeling guilt

Recently I’ve been feeling insecure, I get mad at myself for the way I sometimes act and look, along with other stresses like grades, relationships etc.. but for the last few years of my life I’ve used eating as an outlet. Growing up I ate relatively healthy, balanced meals, only junk food on occasion, and I was always skinny.

My parents started fighting, my dad had an alcohol addiction and my mom had severe anger issues and trauma from growing up in a highly dis functional family. I did my best to not let me or my brother get in the middle of it. I started isolating myself, and eating excessive amounts of fast food, sweets, etc…

This continued for the next five years until they divorced. Another thing to mention is I dance, a lot, and dance was probably the only thing that kept me from becoming obese, but I was far from healthy, 7th grade I started to compare myself to my friends, it’s weird, my body was def a little soft but I had an “hourglass” and was relatively toned in my legs and stomach from dance, it was my face, arms and thighs that I was disgusted with.

The past 3 years I’ve absolutely hated my face/side profile, I’ve gotten over my arms a bit but I still don’t wear tight shirt sleeves, but anything else like tanks I’m ok with. I’ve tried using a Gus sha, facial exercises, and face contour. I knew the only thing I could do is eat less, eat healthier and workout. Countless times I’ve started strong, I’m very educated in how to nourish my body and eat the right things for weight loss and overall health, yet I always gave in. It was always today is the last day I can eat what I want before I go on a diet, leading me to binge and binge, and after maybe a day or two if my “diet” my cravings would defeat me. Now I definitely lost a good amount of weight since 3 years ago but I’m still softer than my friends, but recently it’s been bad

now not only am I still insecure in my face but my stomach, thighs, etc. I’ve became so depressed, it’s affected friendships and even a serious relationship in my life. I still dance, I’m on a high school dance team, though most would call me “skinny” I just hate certain parts about me, so I started starving myself, and I’ve attempted to throw up before and it never worked but recently I’ve been feeling as I have to force myself to to be skinnier. Though you may be asking just eat healthier food and you will be fine? For some reason I just can’t, I feel as if I starve myself, the pounds will come off faster. This has now affected my life even more, I’m always light headed during dance practice, always tired and nauseous, and sometimes I starve myself for so long to the pint when I have to eat, I can’t, and I get the worst stomach pain.

At this point I am hanging on by a thread, I’m insecure, I’ve eaten 3x more than usual just this week, and I’m overall a wreck. I’m sleeping in class, not doing too well with grades, and my sleep schedule is a wreck. I sleep at around 2 am then wake up at 5 am, go to school, come home and nap till 8.

I guess what sent me spiraling today was pretty dumb, I hate when people take snaps or photos of me as a joke or send it’s to someone as a streak because it’s always my side profile, and today I saw a photo of myself that was sent to a gc of me and my friends, I felt so overwhelmed with sadness and disgust, and not thinking, I went off on my friend for sending that photo, even though she meant no harm. My room is also a complete mess, and I just don’t know what to do from here. I miss being happy :/