When can I have a healthy relationship with food :(

I ate at a buffet yesterday as treat and therefore I ended up consuming a lot of food and I didnt purge after to compensate because I really am trying to get better not only for me but for my friends and my boyfriend but as I didnt purge I told myself Id restrict today and eat less to make up for it but so far I havent done that and like an idiot Ive been eating a lot , well I wouldnt say a crazy amount just too much considering its only the beginning of the day , so far Ive eaten : an apple, a flapjack (500 calories ) , strawberry laces ( basically candy ) I also had two of these really small mini gingerbread cookie things from my friend . I feel disgusting and pathetic and weak that I cant manage to just not gonna eat . Its like I can feel all the new fat on my body as I sit down ,as I walk , literally as I breathe. I feel fat and I wish I could tell myself thats not a bad thing but right now it feels like one of the scariest things in the world , I wish I could stop eating and not be weak . I wish I didnt feel disgusting.