i feel sick help

trigger warning - please read at your own discretion

i’m not diagnosed with an eating disorder or anything. i don’t know if i had one either actually. i did do some research and from what i’ve gathered, my experience is more like disordered eating??? or so they say. idk. i’m not sure. and i don’t know who to talk to about this… and so i’m here because i can’t afford getting professional help.

it’s just that… for the past few months i’ve been getting worse (it all started last year tho but it’s worse now). i mean that, i haven’t been eating properly. no, i haven’t been eating at all. eating just feels like a chore to me and i don’t want to do it. i prefer to sleep so i always miss my meals, too. i always starve myself… and if i do eat i can only manage to eat unhealthy food or bite-sized snacks which can’t even be considered a meal. it’s so sickening because i can’t stop or do anything about it.

my mom works abroad and my dad is always at work. so there’s no one here who can actually cook homemade meals. i’m alone most of the time too and i’m too lazy to cook because it will only spoil anyways. i don’t want to waste any more food than i already have. i know i should’ve forced myself to eat the food i have on my fridge because there are starving children out there and yet i’m just here wasting food. but i just stopped caring about that long ago. i’m the worst i already know that lol.

if i do get hungry, i eat a lot that it’s worrying me. it makes me feel bad and i cry after. nowadays, i just order fast food as well because it’s the only thing i can eat without feeling like puking. it’s the only food i can tolerate eating… but it doesn’t mean that i like the taste of it either. everything is simply repulsive. and fast food is starting to make me sick… but i can’t stop eating it. i feel like i’m getting fatter and unhealthier and i’m so anxious that i will die soon because i’ve been living off fast food for a year now. and it’s just so disgusting yet i can’t help it.

food never fails to makes me sick. every time i eat i get the urge to puke because of the scent and taste. there’s nothing wrong with the food - i’m the one who’s the problem. it’s because every time i smell or eat something there’s like a lingering after taste or like a scent that doesn’t go away??? it’s like everything kind of tastes the same and smells the same but at the same time it’s not???? i can still distinguish the scent and taste of every food alright but there’s a particular scent or taste that overshadows it???? and it’s bad. i don’t know what i’m saying either. i can’t explain it well. i’m going crazy.

no one believes me when i do try telling this to the few people i trust. they just don’t get it and they won’t get it. i wanted to try consulting a professional but how?? no one would believe me anyway and it’s not like i can afford it myself. i tried telling my parents about all this too alright but what did they tell me in response? “it’s probably just a phase - it’ll go out on its own. you’ll be fine”

sickening. absolutely sickening. that’s why i just go on days without eating at all because it’s so much better that way. when i don’t eat, i don’t get fat. i won’t have to puke or feel nausea either. and most of all, i won’t have violent diarrhea so it’s less painful for me (i have irritable bowel syndrome). i’ve been to hospitals even as a child a lot too because of my stomach problems. yet nothing really changed. i just loathe my body so much that i keep on wanting to d**

i hate eating so much i wish i could just stop eating. i don’t wanna eat anymore. i don’t wanna think or move either. i think i’m better off d***