my addiction.

When I heard the word addiction I used to think of shooting heroin in your veins, multiple overdoses, and junkies. Now as I reflect back on my life so far, I see it is much more nuanced. Addiction, to put it simply, is a way to fill a void in your life.

For some, this may be meth, for others it could be gambling, or even as simple as being addicted to the feeling of love. For me it was food. When I was in my 3rd year of highschool I began my eating disorder. I want people to know an eating disorder goes so much deeper than just thinking youre fat. Yes, that was certainly part of it, but only the tip of the iceberg for many. Around this time, I was being harassed by a high school coach from a different school than my own. All my coaches knew him and didnt think he would have done anything so they didnt believe me when I said he was stalking me and sending me inappropriate text, calling me his girlfriend. For so long I felt like it was my fault. When your coaches, the people you look up to and expect to protect you dont look out for you, then who do you go to? I felt so scared that I never told my significant other at the time and never told my parents in fear that they would not believe me. Look, when people start telling you enough times that youre making things up, no matter how much evidence you have, you start to believe them. And so I started to believe I was actually crazy and hallucinating. I felt like I was going insane. Food was the only thing left in my life I felt like I had control over. I would tell myself, this is the last time i'm going to have a binging episode. And the feeling of having someone tell me I was too skinny felt like a rush of pleasure and grief at the same time, forcing me into another cycle. When I was at my skinniest I truly thought I was overweight and obese. Im not saying this to sound like another dramatic girl who thinks she's fat or to compare myself to obese people. I was so sick in my head I actually believed I was obese when I looked in the mirror. It is not something that is curable overnight. For me, it took me 4 years to overcome this. I still know people who have an eating disorder and even as a person who had an eating disorder I still feel like there is so little I can do or say to help. I think the best thing you could say to someone with an eating disorder is to get professional help like therapy and be supportive. I hope to expand the small box to what people think is an eating disorder may look like.