rant because I dont have anyone I want to talk to about this

Hi this is just a messy childish rant

I sound so edgy and cringe but I just feel awful right now

I'm typing this out because this isn't something I would feel comfortable talking with my family about and I don't want to bother or worry my friends even though they would take me seriously and they mean the world to me

I'm living such an blessed and unprobmatic life and I feel like Im just seeking attention and over exaggerating by posting this in the eating disorder support area when others must be going through so much more sorry

It's very on and off, sometimes I feel so happy and great about myself and body and other times I feel like utter trash. Over last summer break I just went through a cycle of insecurity where all that would consume my mind was what I ate, how much I weighed, and how much exercise I got which was always not enough. After eating dinner until I was full, everyday I felt so disgusted and sick and just wanted to purge it all which I never got the courage or strength to do. So I just went to sleep feeling so awful and waking up the next day to skip breakfast and lunch to make up for how much I ate last night, only to get hungry again and eat dinner until I felt like I would burst. rinse and repeat.

I know that I'm not necessarily over weight, my BMI is around 20 and if I were to tell my friends about this, they would just tell me about how I'm not fat or ugly at all and that I shouldn't feel this way. however that's not what I'm looking for and I just want to talk about how I feel and how I just hate myself and body to the point where there are days that I just look in the mirror and cry about my reflection.

I think this mainly stems from my extreme insecurity around nearly everyone but my 3 close friends and family members. If I wasn't around my friends at school (which was very often as we didn't share many classes) all I would think about is how I look to the people around me. During lunch or class, especially when I sit with a large group of people, I would ask to use the bathroom at least once and sit in a stall for as long as I could, without getting in trouble for taking too long, to just let everything out and get myself together again because of how much anxiety and stress about my appearance accumulated inside me in that period of time.

(Halfway through typing this I'm realizing this probably doesn't go to the eating disorders section but I haven't used this site much before so I'm sorry if I should've written this somewhere else)

However ever since the pandemic and my school experience has switched to online, I've had homework to distract myself and so much of a nicer class experience when others cant see how I look without my camera on. Even walking outside with a mask makes me feel so much happier and secure because it covers my face and I don't have to worry about my looks and expressions. Most of what I felt over the summer had gone away and I had just been feeling better overall.

However for some reason this morning I just woke up feeling awful again and so conscious about everything I ate which was a habit that I thought had gone away. And during school when the teacher had asked us to join an online course and called out the people who weren't in yet until it was only me, I panicked so hard. After I was able to get in stepped out of my room sweating and breathing heavily because somehow something so insignificant terrified me.

Literally everyone in the world has bad days and its not just me who has insecurities and times of stress but after a lot of bad experiences came back to me I just wanted to get this off my chest because it was something I never talked about to others though I always wished I could. I feel like my post is an insult to others and I'm sorry but please know that this is mostly just a rant to get things off my chest. I already feel better after typing everything out and reflecting on my experiences, but I think I will post it just so that its really out there. If anyone saw this thank you so much for reading through :)